The usual error and a book that’ll help you stop it

What’s the “usual error”? Assuming other people are just like you. It’s called The Usual Error because it’s a common mistake and a pitfall in communication and conflict resolution.

I’m a fan of The Usual Error blog – where I first heard the term – because its authors, Pace and Kyeli, are so real. Real in their honesty, real in their self-honesty, real in the struggles and successes they write about as they navigate their own relationships.

So I was delighted when Pace and Kyeli sent me an inscribed review copy of their new book, The Usual Error: Why We Don’t Understand Each Other and 34 Ways to Make It Better.

The Platinum Rule

The book had my attention from the moment, several pages in, Pace and Kyeli proposed a rewrite of the Golden Rule, do unto others as they would do unto you.

They propose the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Perfect!

For those of you who’ve read many of the conflict resolution bestsellers like Difficult Conversations, Fierce Conversations, The Power of a Positive No and others, there’s not a lot of new content in The Usual Error. But that’s not a reason to skip the book. Actually, it’s a reason to read the book, because they highlight, in short, easily digestible chunks, some of the best ideas out there, and they make those ideas their own with stories from their lives and with little gems that stick in your mind. They take good ideas and make them better.

The book reads like who they are, something I value highly when I read. There’s no sterility here. You can hear their voices, learn from their successes and failures, and never feel judged or lectured by their content. As they say in the Welcome, “This book is the fruit of our folly. May it bring your wisdom!”

How to Use The Usual Error

There are a number of ways to use this little book and get something more out of it than the typical “read and shelve.” Here are a few:

• Read it out loud with your partner. Pick a chapter, read the chapter out loud (most chapters would take less than 5 minutes), talk about it. You don’t even have to read most of the chapters in order, so pick the ones that feel the most relevant.
• Use the title to stop a bickering moment. I’m a fan of stoppers, my term for those phrases or actions that help you stop the downward spiral of a difficult conversation before it gets too mucky. Try, “Are we making the usual error?” as a stopper.
• Use the authors’ ideas to create lighthearted mechanisms to change the direction of difficult conversations. For instance, Chapter 22, “Giving Permission to Disappoint,” begins with an illustration of a gift certificate. When you read the chapter, you’ll understand why I think it’s a terrific idea to make some of your own “This Coupon Good for One (1) Free Disappointment.”
• Use it in your book group. I guarantee it’ll generate more conversation and laughter than you could ever use, and you’ll all walk away with some new ideas, stress reduction from all the laughter, and a desire to go home and hug your honey.

Happy reading,

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.