Chris, yes, even a simple touching of the arm can make such a difference, whether someone’s a huggy type or not. I was thinking about your comment that things escalate so easily. Yes, true. And I also think this doctor had multiple points in the interaction where he could have retrieved things if he’d attended to what the person before him needed and was really asking. Thanks for taking the time to leave your reaction…always so appreciated.

I would react to the hug, as I am a “huggy” person — but not all are. Movement – like sitting down. Or just touching my arm — would have a similar effect of helping me stop and listen.

Yikes. Things escalate so easily.

Thanks for sharing something so personal.

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Thanks so much for this and for the well-wishes you have expressed privately from the first.

And you’re soooooooooooo right about generalized advice for spontaneous human interaction. I, for instance, am a touch-y but not a hugg-y sort. In this kind of situation, where I’m feeling threatened, I would recoil from physical contact. Yet I know there are others for whom a gentle touch from the right person at the right time, coupled with the responses you suggest, would both sooth a family member AND provide the information she is seeking.

As my friend the settlement Judge Alex Williams says, it’s all about RESPECT, a word laminated on a plaque that he always points out to litigants, lawyers and visitors to his courtroom.

As to knowing when it’s appropriate and inappropriate to use touch, there are two answers. The first is “ask.” The second is this: we already know how to respond to people. We instinctively know what to do. We need to train ourselves to do so because there are too many other voices clamoring in our heads and because we come from too many other cultures (Dr. X, whose ethnicity I did not want to highlight, is from a foreign country; and I have NO doubt that there was a cross-cultural mis-step here by both of us).

At the end of the day, there are always these too excellent words.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I was so abrupt. I’m sorry about the hug; you were in so much distress that I just naturally reached out to you.”

Followed by these words, that I use less often than I should in every mediation I conduct.

“Is there anything I can do for you that I’m not doing?” or “Am I missing something?” or (if you’re paying attention to 80% of the communication in the room — body language — “you seem distressed or irritated or uncomfortable (etc., etc.”). Am I right? Is there something I can do for you that I’m not doing?”

Here’s the thing. We cannot go wrong if we stay in the moment and keep asking questions with the genuine intent of finding the heart of the matter.

People WANT to tell you.

In a crisis (and transformative mediators DEFINE conflict as a “crisis in human relations”) we need to approach one another a little like we approach frightened children and animals. Slowly and with the clearly expressed intent — verbal or otherwise — to — at a minimum — do no harm.

If there is ANYTING I’ve learned from these last weeks of my father’s life it is this: if you slow down; surrender to the moment; and, listen with your heart instead of your head, the service you can be to another presents itself with indisputable clarity.

Sorry to ramble so on YOUR blog.

Thank you for doing me the honor of turning your fine heart and wise head to my loss.

Love,

Vickie

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The guiding principle in any response is to be genuine. Otherwise, you’re “technique-ing” someone and that’s just useless.