Arguments can be seductive. What begins as a minor squabble escalates as each person temporarily loses their senses, forgetting that winning a squabble is rarely a success at all.
In the heat of the moment during interpersonal conflict, the gap between what you know and what you do becomes the damn Grand Canyon.
What if you have a simple, surefire phrase that either of you could offer up, right as you teeter on the brink? Something that would stop the argument before you go over the edge?
David at LivSimpl suggests “Let’s fight about it.” He writes,
I know it seems odd but I’ve heard people around me say “let’s fight about it” and it almost immediately diffuses the situation. It puts the what you’re “talking” about in perspective. Is it worth fighting about? Most of the time when you stop and think about it, it seems a bit silly.
I’m drawn to David’s show-stopping phrase because it’s the flip of what you might expect: Let’s not fight about it. Let’s not fight about it is a tamping-down statement, a plea to let it go or ignore the disagreement. It has its place, no doubt. Yet Let’s fight about it does something refreshingly different:
It reminds us where we’re headed and helps us make a choice.
Do you have a conflict show-stopper? Please do share,
Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.
Tammy, this stopped me in blog reader tracks. Phew, what a good one.
My wise man husband likes to ask: “Do you want to be married, or do you want to be right?” For some reason, that statement always makes me laugh. At myself.
Hi, Lisa! Your husband’s phrase made me laugh out loud. Cuts straight to the chase and yet very funny at the same time. I love it!
Hope all is well with you.
First, I really like your blog.
Second, I really like the suggestion: “Let’s fight about it.” It kind of makes you laugh and diffuses the situation.
It takes 2 to make a fight, and if one person doesn’t fight, then there’s no fight, right?
Sometimes I’ll say, “You know, you’re right about that. You have a point there.” And that pretty much ends things.
Mark – Creative Journey Cafes last blog post..If You Build It, They Will Come
Hello, Mark, and welcome to the Conflict Zen blog. I appreciate your visit and taking the time to comment. Plus, now I’ve found your blog and know I’m going to have a good time looking through the good stuff there.
Your point about “Let’s fight about it” invoking laughter is right on the money. The first time I used in a small tiff with my husband, he opened his mouth, closed it, then barked in laughter. Of course then I did too. Talk about diffusing something before it gets messy!
I like your suggested phrase, too. Your comment diffuses not only because you’re telling the other person they have a point, but also because it shows them you’re really listening!
Cheers,
Tammy
Tammy,
I just realized you’d linked to my site (sorry it took so long). Thanks so much for the link! I’m flattered that you found my post quote-worthy.
- David
David, so many people have loved this post and emailed and commented here to tell me. They love your idea and a couple of emailed to tell me how well it worked when they tried it. Thank you!
I know this is off topic and I know that my endless searching for an on topic discussion will stop me from admitting my needs here – Please redirect me to whatever website might help in my circumstances but I just have to get this out of me.
Hi,
I have been with my partner for over ten years. Everything is ok until we argue and I know that I am often to blame for this.
My partner was a chairman of the debate team at his school, he is very capable of tearing ‘cold-callers(sales)’ to pieces and I can guarantee a once weekly fight with the bank, telephone company, me etc….
I have a small amount of psychology knowledge so in the past have tried several different strategies for trying to find a common ground once I have realised that ‘there is no going back’ on what has been said and that I am, once again, pinned against the wall (not physically) and the only way out is an apology. You have to understand (sorry that sounds negative and I don’t mean that…err) He is never wrong – when presented with cold facts – they don’t count… the negative in-roads (of shock) don’t work (I’ve drunk a lot, called names, even (i’m so ashamed) tryed to get physical (he can over-power me) nothing halts his stance. Repeated questioning and talking around the facts are more his style…If I say what I think might help in the relationship – I am reminded that he is the breadwinner – despite me being the administrative and domestic side – yes…our business would not survive a short time without me unless I was replaced. Basically, although he is unable to do anything in the house (in fact his sole abilities are to do his work and drive (Driving is the only thing I am unable to do)) I don’t make money.
Various friends have given, without persuasion on my part, their philosophies for his behaviour. Some say he is terribly insecure and others say that he is too frightened of losing me. This is, I’m afraid, probably sounding all a little contrived and obvious (I know that many people will be shouting ‘get the hell out of there’). I am now at the point where I work for him despite us being a partnership – When he wants coffee, I bring him coffee. When he has lost the diary or the phone or his pen (etc) I play fetch…but I’m, tired – No matter how I try and phrase it and no matter how many times I try and discuss it – How dare I be frustrated/angry/impatient – He is making money (for us…).
I no longer have visiting friends because of our curious working schedule. I only have internet friends but despite a good 80% of my work being computer based, if I sit at the computer I am not working.
It’s 3am here in the Uk. I’ve never been a particulary good sleeper anyway but for once, and rarely, he is away for a night and in a lot of ways I don’t want him to return tomorrow. So far in my relationship of ten years he has agrred with me having a point (being right…errrgh) twice. Not during the argument but a good few weeks to a month afterwards. Which means that my feelings are left unsaid until I start to get too tired to hold back. That is when I get argumentative and moody.
Moody is the other negative against me… I prefer quiet, contemplative.
What can I do to turn this around so maybe, just maybe he can understand that I’m not working agaiunst him (although I’m sure the above reads like I am – A little understanding and the right type of communication could help here…really…)
Can somebody help me please?
Derf, I will reply to you via email. – Tammy
Derf, This man is a bully. You are experiencing domestic violence, and it needs to stop. You need to be strong, you need support from understanding people. Domestic violence is not just about being physically hurt, but it is also about control, isolation, monetary control, not being able to have friends, being put down, not being able to have a point of view, basically, this man (if you can call him that)is abusive, has no respect for you or what you do for him or your family. Get some support. You are strong. You don’t need to live like that.