Conflict Hack: Silence Does Not Equal Yes
Have you ever been in a meeting where the chair asked something like, "Does that plan sound ok to everyone?" Perhaps there was a brief pause, an assenting remark or two, a couple of nods and silence from the rest. "All right, then it’s a go," the chair may have said then.
Silence does not mean "Yes, I agree." Silence can mean: I’m still thinking about it. I may agree but am not sure yet. Yes, I agree. No, I don’t agree but I’m not going to say it out loud here. No, I don’t agree but I’ll never admit to it.
If you’re trying to make a wise and effective decision in a group, avoid the "assumed yes" trap. When there’s silence, ask those folks what their silence means. Don’t challenge, invite.
Silence usually means I’m thinking,
Copyright © 2006 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.
Thanks Tammy, you blogs always make me think in a new way! I’d never really thought about what silence means in a meeting — but It’s an important consideration….
Ellen, I run into this issue most frequently when I’m asked to assist a workplace team with sorting through conflict that feels stuck. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said, “I thought we agreed to do X in that meeting!” and someone else has replied, “No, we didn’t agree, you assumed we agreed because no one dared disagree!”
One of the great things about Liz’s SOB’s is finding new and interesting blogs.
I think I will use this one to find out the secret of women so I can communicate with my wife.
Congratulations on being a fellow SOB, Roy! Liz sure is terrific and I’ve found a number of my current reads from her list.
The secret of women, eh? We’ll see!
I’ve written about this in many different ways, and it is so true. Silence is not an answer. It is not a response. It means nothing except silence.
After Hurricane Katrina, I got an email from a volunteer group I worked with, addressed to the whole group, about their opinions on my silence. He judged my silence as an answer to a question he’d posed several days ago, raging about my response. I emailed back that silence was not a response. It was an ongoing lack of electricity, power surges, and computer failures. Silence meant I couldn’t answer and had never gotten the question. I made it clear that when I had an answer or opinion on anything, there would be NO DOUBT. Until then, nothing is nothing. Don’t make something out of it.
Lorelle, that’s such a sad but perfect example of the stories we fabricate in our minds when we’re puzzled by someone’s silence. I guess it’s part of the human condition that we make up stories, in those moments, that are blameful of self or other. Sigh.
I’m a big fan of your Wordpress blog and it’s helped me more than a few times…like just yesterday, when I found a splogger. Thanks for all that you have done and still do!
Ah, gee, shucks! Thanks for the kind words. And pox upon splogs. A serious blight, aren’t they?
You are doing a fabulous job here, Tammy. Thanks for reminding us that both the head and heart need to work together.