How to screw up an offer of apology
July 23, 2008
Imagine getting a phone call from the gardener at your out-of-state family home. Now imagine your gardener telling you that your house and your belongings are nowhere to be seen.
That’s the call a Dallas woman received recently about her family home in Jackson, Mississippi.
It turns out that a Jackson State University contractor demolished the wrong house after a “prankster” (way too mild a word) made it look like the woman’s house was the one designated to be razed, instead of a university-owned house. Said a University official, “I’m sad that we made the mistake, and I wish that we hadn’t. It was nothing intentional.”
The apology started out so promising…and ended up so utterly ruined. It’s the implied “but” just before the last sentence that ruined it.
And the homeowner agrees, [Read more]
A simple way to know if conflict resolution is making progress
July 16, 2008
This is a Zen koan (traditional story) known as Maybe:
A farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbors gathered upon hearing the news and said sympathetically, “That’s such bad luck.”
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The horse returned on his own the next morning, and brought seven wild horses with it. “Look how many more horses you have now,” the neighbors exclaimed. “How lucky!”
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next day, the farmer’s son attempted to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. “How awful,” the neighbors said. “It looks like your luck has turned for the worse again.” [Read more]
7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution
July 6, 2008
What if George Carlin had been a mediator instead of a comedian?
I’d like to think he’d have challenged some of the conventions and sacred cows of the conflict resolution world, just like he pushed the envelope with the media.
So I’ll do it instead, though admittedly no George Carlin. While there’s no FCC monitor to bleep you if you utter them, these phrases are dirty words in my lexicon and when I hear them, particularly the first one, I cringe inwardly (and sometimes outwardly).
Phrases like these are traps and black holes for engaging conflict effectively. They complexify conflict even while they purport to simplify it. And they may be giving mediators, mediation and conflict coaches a bad name. [Read more]
7 simple hacks guaranteed to improve your meetings
June 17, 2008
When important matters and decisions are on the table for discussion, conversation can get a little tricky and difficult sometimes.
You can prevent the conversation from getting tangled and tripped up by common pitfalls with a little care in language choice and a few simple strategies for staying on track and making clear decisions.
I’ve compiled my 7 simplest meeting and conflict resolution hacks to help:
- When you’ve got a problem to solve, don’t waste valuable face-to-face time. Learn why blamestorming is a waste.
- Avoid a common decision-making mistake with silence does not equal yes.
- Don’t fall into the trap of this guaranteed disagreement sidetracker: always, never.
- When things get a bit hot under the collar, make sure you’re taking the right steps to really cool them down again.
- Learn why the phrase I hear you is one to avoid and what to say instead.
- Understand why “and” can be a much better word than “but” in conflict situations: Yes, but…
- Don’t fear that truly effective listening will inadvertently convey that you agree. Acknowledging is different than agreeing.
What are your favorite meeting and conflict hacks?
7 top reasons to subscribe to conflict zen
June 9, 2008
If you’re serious about your personal and professional relationships, and your career advancement, Conflict Zen offers you dividends beyond a good read with your morning coffee.
Conflict Zen offers you a way to shape your life. A way to talk through the things that matter most to you, at home and work. A mindset and heartset that is transformative and freeing.
Want seven more important reasons to subscribe? Then consider these: [Read more]
A compilation of conflict resolution quotations
June 7, 2008
I’ve begun my mediation and conflict resolution classes and trainings for years with a relevant conflict resolution quotation from someone famous or particularly astute. So, I get a lot of requests from former students, training participants and others that begin with, “What was that great quote you shared the other day…?”
Now I’ve put my small database of conflict resolution, communications, problem solving and peace quotes in a single place here at Conflict Zen. I’ll update it periodically.
Conflict Resolution Quotations
What’s your favorite conflict resolution quotation?
How to debug a disagreement and focus on what matters
May 28, 2008
I was putting my kayak on the car the other day and mosquitoes, now in full season here in northern New England, kept distracting me from my task.
Tighten one strap, slap at the mosquitoes. Start attaching the other strap, slap, slap. They’re large enough here to have landing lights, so ignoring them is out of the question.
I finally stopped what I was doing, walked into the garage, applied bug repellent, then returned to my task. The 30 seconds it took to apply the bug repellent allowed me to focus my attention on the task at hand, and gave me some relief from the infuriating whine in my ears.
Happily paddling across a lake 30 minutes later, I mused about those mosquitoes. [Read more]
