It’s frost heave season again in northern New England, that time of year when the freezing of snow-saturated soil causes the earth and and cracked sections of pavement on top of it to thrust upward. Cars bounce along old stretches of roadway as though on an amusement park ride and potholes appear in significant, axel-breaking numbers.

If you’ve ever driven in the north country, you know that you can navigate the heaves and potholes better if you watch the road instead of focusing at the potholes. I remember learning that the hard way when I first started mountain biking – when I focused on the rock I wanted to avoid in the path, my bicycle wheel seemed inevitably to roll right into it.

Apparently someone’s even coined a term for the failure to watch the wider road: Potholism.

Potholism can present a problem in workplace and interpersonal conflict as well, as MJ Ryan reminds us in Watch the Road, Not the Potholes:

Still, when change scares me, I find my mind going straight to all that I don’t want to happen, rather than what I do.

I was reminded once again about the danger of this behavior while reading The Unthinkable. In it, Ripley describes a phenomenon called “potholism”: “the more drivers stare at potholes, the more likely they are to drive into them.” Rather than concentrating on avoiding a pothole, says Ronn Langford of driving school MasterDrive, you should focus on the whole road so you can see where to drive.

What a message for us all! Focusing on the problems or anticipated problems of change will cause us to drive right toward them. Rather, we should expand our vision so that we are seeing the whole situation and focus on what we want out of the new situation, not what we don’t. One of the reasons this lesson is so important is that under fear, our senses narrow—we get tunnel vision, hearing, and feeling. It’s part of that old fight or flight mechanism. Our perceptions narrow so that we focus only on the danger. But as Langford’s driving research shows, this can be dangerous in and of itself, causing us to head toward the problem rather than away from it. When we widen our focus and expand our periphery, we tell that primitive part of our brains there’s no danger and it turns off, leaving us more able to think fully about the situation.

Potholes are an appealing metaphor for the challenges in workplace and interpersonal conflict, as well as in negotiation. I sometimes tell clients that my job as a conflict coach and mediator is to help people stay on the road to their future and get the damn potholes patched once and for all.

I like the pothole metaphor so much I’ve used it in other posts. If you missed them, here they are: Behavior Change and the Holes in Your Sidewalk and Negotiation Potholes of the Mind.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Note: I wrote this a couple years ago for a client interested in how they could minimize the emotional toll of and the potential for destructive conflict during the layoff process. I came across it again late last year and, while I hope widespread economic layoffs are slowing now, I’m putting it out there for leaders and managers who care about the how of layoffs as much as they care about the layoff decision itself.

One true test of an organization’s claim to greatness is how it takes care of its people in the toughest of times.

People have all sorts of interests that smart and caring organizations should try to meet – meeting those interests, after all, creates more motivated and committed employees. The interests of employees being laid off matter too, because how well you meet those interests them influences your image, your organization’s image, and the morale of employees still working for you. Which, in turn, influence your bottom line.

The following interests are usually of primary importance to employees during layoffs, along with ways to address them. I haven’t included the obvious interest in financial security because most organizations are already aware of this interest. Instead, I want to uncover the interests usually less attended to, most likely to create escalated emotion and conflict, and most threatened by the ways some organizations and consulting firms carry out the employee layoffs.

Key interests of laid off employees

1. Saving face. Layoffs temporarily sever a portion of an employee’s identity. When asked, what do you do? they can no longer say, I’m a __ at __. And worse, when high performers are laid off alongside poor performers, organizations inadvertently create a special agony for those high performers, who are saying to themselves, After all the work I’ve done, everyone’s going to think I’m as inept as So-and-So. Face loss is a prime contributor to escalated conflict and anger.
    
   What this means in practice: Help employees save face by creating mechanisms for graceful exits. If the layoffs include both high performers and those with less stellar contributions, say so in your communications: We’re deeply saddened that our financial state in this difficult economy means that some of our top performers are among those whose positions have been cut. You’ll help the top performers feel acknowledged for their contributions, as small nod of comfort in difficult times.
2. Maintaining a modicum of control over their own destiny. It’s part of the human condition to want control over one’s own destiny. Firings, position cuts and layoffs take a chunk of that away. People don’t mourn just the loss of their jobs; they mourn the loss of captaining their future for the duration of their joblessness. For some people, this loss of control will translate into high emotion and increased divisiveness.
    
   What this means in practice: Even small ways you can allow laid off employees to retain what little control is left will really matter. How they want to exit. On what date. What will be said in communication to the rest of their colleagues and staff. If you think you must implement a one-size-fits-all approach to exits, think again – are you doing that because it’s easier on you or better for them?
3. Having time to absorb the shock. Not endless time, but the chance to get their feet back under them and clarity around what’s next before news trickles out and they have to navigate the stricken stares of others (“Am I next?”) or the condolences that’ll begin rolling in. People want a chance to be ready to reply and talk about what the coming days/weeks/months will hold for them – because everyone and their brother will ask, “What are you going to do?”
    
   What this means in practice: Create space for just-notified employees to get their wits about them. For some this may mean speaking to their loved ones at home before they have to face the larger organization. For others it may mean getting your counsel on what they need to do next (no, not fill out exit interview forms — next as in, after they walk out the door the last time). For still others it may mean closing their office door and being left undisturbed while they gather their thoughts or emotions.
4. Understanding how it is that good performers will be cut while some/many under-performers won’t. It’s easier to cut good people in the wrong seats than it is under-performers in the right seats when an organization has a non-courageous performance evaluation culture that’s tolerated under-performance and done a poor job documenting the need for improvement. Organizations perpetuate unfairness by getting rid of under-valued positions instead of under-performing people.
    
   What this means in practice: Fix your performance appraisal system and teach managers how to confront and convey difficult news effectively during evaluation periods. When you get it right, you won’t have to worry about this interest during tough times.

© 2007 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.

I once mediated a dispute with a large tarantula eyeing me the entire time from the shoulder of a participant.

It was unsettling. As, I suppose, it was intended to be.

The case was a dispute between three middle-aged siblings locked in combat over their father’s will. The siblings had more than half a century of baggage between them, compounded by two years of litigation since dad died, and I was asked by their attorneys to get the matter resolved before lunch.

Two of the siblings arrived without incident. The third was late. Her attorney looked annoyed. There was polite chit-chat as we all waited.

Finally the door swept open. In walked the sister. Bright red lipstick, much eye makeup, long – very long – bright red nails. An outfit designed to demand attention, anywhere, anytime. But really, who could digest the outfit with the spider staring at you?

It was easily five inches in diameter, and would fill a man’s palm. A crouched, black metal and rhinestone spider pinned to the shoulder of her blouse like a pet bird might perch.

Now that’s quite a statement, I thought to myself.

You know, we make statements all the time when we’re locked in disagreement with someone. Most of our statements aren’t as flashy and frightening as a rhinestone tarantula, but we convey all sorts of things that hinder instead of help: Disdain. Dismissal. Rigidity. Self-righteousness. Self-satisfaction.

Just like I wished I’d been with that woman when she dressed herself that morning, I want us to take off our own tarantulas just long enough to give the conflict conversation a chance to unfold differently.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Our big, goofy Newfie, Hugo the Huge, died a week ago today. I held him in my arms as he passed and I’ve cried a river since. One hundred pounds less dog in a house sure is noticeable.

It’s been a tough dog year for us, two of our elder statesmen passing over that time, their old bodies telling them it was time to move on.

Both Hugo, the big guy, and Luigi, the little guy, were occasional fodder for posts here at Conflict Zen. In part to cope with my own grief and in part to shine a light on their lives, I’ve gathered a few of the articles that mention or feature them:

• What drool and dog hair taught me about problem solving
• How to win an argument: Mr Bean drives a hard bargain
• Luigi’s recipe for assertiveness success
• How home-made dog food is like effective conflict resolution
• The Shamu Maneuver causes a stir

Rest in peace, my friends.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Conflict is serious stuff. So sometimes I like to share reasons to smile, like this video from Bird Lovers Only Rescue. I hope Snowball makes you laugh as much as he made me laugh.

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Smiles,

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

I have a friend who leaves restaurant tips in the form of little origami creatures. I’m thinking of taking up the practice, called orikane, myself.

Here’s how to make a flapping origami crane, a symbol of peace, with a dollar bill.

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Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

When I watch videos like this one, I am moved to ask myself, What will I do now that I have seen this? How will it change my actions? In what ways do my choices act like a butterfly’s wings?

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Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Often, the most profound remarks about the work of untangling disagreements comes from clients.

Yesterday, a mediation client said to me, “We want help turning ‘conversation that become arguments’ into ‘arguments that become conversations’.”

So smart.

I like that description of the kind of mediation I do.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Sometimes conflict resolution feels like one step back for every two steps forward. When it feels that way to you, maybe it’s time to view even the steps backward as forward movement.

Here’s Michael Jordan to explain why:

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This video reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: When you’re at the edge of a cliff, sometimes progress is a step backwards (source unknown).

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

This is one of my favorite videos to watch when I want an uplift. It’s not just the words. It’s the joy in his epic voice. Enjoy.

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What do you watch or listen to when you need an uplift or inspiration?

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Happy holidays, my friends. My wish for us all: To witness beauty when we don’t expect it…indeed, to find beauty even in those we suspect don’t have any. They do.

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Warmly,

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

How do you tell someone their comments sound racist? Or that they’re joke seems sexist? Or any other -ist?

This video, from Jay Smooth, host of New York’s longest running hip-hop radio show (WBAI’s Underground Railroad), does a perfect job of describing a really effective approach. He nails it:

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In mediator-speak, it’s called separating intention from impact. We don’t know their intention…but we do know the impact on us and others.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

What’s one of the most frequent questions audience and Conflict Zen retreat members ask me about navigating conflict at work and home?

How to do conflict resolution right … more quickly?

Now, I’m no fan of hanging out in a difficult conversation because I like a slow pace. But I don’t buy the premise that, even in a multi-tasking, fast-paced American life, hurrying through important conversations is the right goal.

The question was on my mind again while reading Robyn McMaster’s recent post, Prodding your patience?.

“We are addicted to speed,” according to Carl Honore, “to cramming more and more into every minute. Every moment of the day feels like a race against the clock, a dash to a finish line that we never seem to reach.”

What Robyn terms “roadrunner days” can lead to increased cortisol levels in our bodies. And why should we care about cortisol? Because cortisol shuts down learning, contributes to anxiety attacks, and is associated with depression.

I think it’s time for a conflict resolution version of the slow food movement. We’ll call it the slow conflict movement. The slow conflict movement will have these tenets:

• No hurrying through important conflict to get it over with. The most important conversations in our lives deserve our attention.
• Slowing down conflict means not missing the gems we don’t hear when we’re hurrying.
• Slowing down doesn’t mean dawdling. It means doing it right, at the right pace.

How and when do you slow conflict down?

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Conflict coaches and professional mediators like me help people unclutter and untangle conflicts. We know how to step into the puzzle with you and figure out what pieces go where. With the right thoughts, you can do it for yourself, too.

Here are 20 ways to move yourself toward the simple, uncluttered thoughts that will unlock complexity. But don’t read them all now.

Bookmark this list and come back to it as a reference for those times you’re stuck in a conflict situation and need a little guidance and inspiration. [Read more...]

This is the third in a mini-series about gaining clarity during a conflict and asking yourself the kinds of questions that shine new light on the problem (links to the earlier two posts are at the foot of this one).

The first two questions I offered were, What is this really about for me? and What do I need them most to understand? The third questions turns the second on its head:

Clarity Question 3: What do I need to understand about or learn from them?

In disagreements at home and work, most people spend the bulk of their energy [Read more...]

Effective conflict resolution is as much — and probably more — about attitude than it is about action.

Bring the right frame of mind or attitude to your disagreements and you almost can’t help doing and saying more effective things. Bring a problematic attitude, and all the tools and techniques in the world will only get you so far.

Last week, while facilitating a retreat, one member of the group I was working with made this really smart observation: [Read more...]

The pursuit of conflict zen is, in part, the pursuit of clarity. Clarity about the conflict, what most needs to be discussed to unlock and untangle it, and what it’s most about for you.

In 3 Eye-Opening Questions for Conflict Clarity: Question 1, I offered up the reflective question, What is this really about for me? and some strategies for answering that question.

Clarity Question 2: What do I need them most to understand?

This question has the greatest potential for insight if you answer what’s often the hidden second portion of your reply. First-blush answers, for instance, might be: [Read more...]

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post, What is conflict zen? and promised I’d flesh out the most important characteristics of conflict zen.

One of those characteristics is clarity…what it’s really about and what most needs to be discussed to clear the air and get back on track. I want to offer up three eye-opening questions that can unlock even the most complicated conflicts and I’ll focus on one each in a short series of posts.

Clarity Question 1. What is this really about for me?

It may be tempting to answer this one quickly, making it all about them. Don’t do it! Examples of throw-away, trap-ridden answers in workplace conflict include, [Read more...]

Uncluttering your conflicts means making sure the really important things don’t get crowded out by all the crap. It’s one piece of the conflict zen puzzle.

A few years ago I successfully mediated a messy family case in which a little girl’s grandparents had petitioned the court to be granted permanent guardianship. The little girl’s mother — who was their own daughter — was fighting the petition.

At the table were the two grandparents and their attorney, the mother and her attorney, and a court-appointed guardian ad litem whose role was to serve the interests of the child. The verbal skirmishes between the three family members began even before they were all seated.

I asked how long this had been going on. About 18 months. I asked what they thought this problem was about. The list generated by the mother and grandparents was fast, furious and long: [Read more...]

If you’re serious about your personal and professional relationships, and your career advancement, Conflict Zen offers you dividends beyond a good read with your morning coffee.

Conflict Zen offers you a way to shape your life. A way to talk through the things that matter most to you, at home and work. A mindset and heartset that is transformative and freeing.

Want seven more important reasons to subscribe? Then consider these: [Read more...]

I’ve begun my mediation and conflict resolution classes and trainings for years with a relevant conflict resolution quotation from someone famous or particularly astute. So, I get a lot of requests from former students, training participants and others that begin with, “What was that great quote you shared the other day…?”

Now I’ve put my small database of conflict resolution, communications, problem solving and peace quotes in a single place here at Conflict Zen. I’ll update it periodically.

Conflict Resolution Quotations

What’s your favorite conflict resolution quotation?

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.