The moment you choose to fight: Do you recognize it?

In every argument, there’s a moment when you choose to fight. It may not seem a choice, because the moment is fleeting and the decision may not be a conscious one.

But choose you still do. I call such moments “choice points,” because with awareness, you can notice them and make a thoughtful choice about how to proceed. Unlike, for instance, the doctor in the following story.

My friend and fellow mediator, Vickie Pynchon, has been blogging the experience of her father’s end of life in an emotionally wrenching and deeply loving series of posts, Negotiating Life’s End. The following excerpt, from Part Two, begins with Vickie’s learning that her dad has been taken to the hospital. She rushes there too. [Read more]

Anger management along a muddy road

Two monks, Tanzan and Ekido, were walking together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was falling and had swollen the stream running near the path.

Rounding a bend, they saw a beautiful girl dressed in formal kimono, crying at an intersection.

Tanzan asked, “What is wrong?” The girl explained that she was on her way to a wedding and could not cross the muddy stream without ruining her kimono.

“Come” said Tanzan, reaching out his arms. Lifting her, he carried her across the muddy stream and set her down on the other side. Then, [Read more]

The art of doing conflict slowly

“Whatever the tasks, do them slowly with ease, in mindfulness. Don’t do any task in order to get it over with.” – Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness

It’s the rare person who’s willing to confront a difficult conversation slowly with ease, in mindfulness. So many I talk to take the latter approach: Get it over with. As quickly as possible.

Slowing down is one of those insider tips that good mediators know. We know to help the conversation slow down at the points most people want to pick up the pace out of discomfort. We know the importance of attending carefully to the parts that feel uncomfortable, because in those parts are the keys to unlocking the conflict. [Read more]

A simple meditation for tense and stressful moments

A Unitarian Universalist minister was once my student in a negotiation course. At the end of the course, by way of thanks, he gave me the gift of one of his books, a collection of reflections on life. There’s a gentle calmness about the collection, and one entry in particular that I return to again and again.

In Consider the Lilies Rev. Stephen Shick reflects on a colleague who had a habit of putting the present moment into perspective by comparing it to well-known historical moments. He’d say things like, “We are in the same moment as the Union Army was at Gettysburg right before the reinforcements arrived.”

Stephen turned his friend’s historical predilection into a lovely meditation for tense and stressful moments: [Read more]

The secret to de-escalating loud, angry conflict

The bailiff unlocked the small courtroom. After telling me to make myself at home, he pointed to a small red button on the wall. “If you need me, just press that button and I’ll be in here faster than you can blink an eye. It’s an emergency button.”

“Ok, thanks,” I replied, and began to unpack my briefcase.

“I mean it,” he said. “Just press the button. Maybe you should set up your chair so you’re near it.”

I gave him a long look. “You seem to want me to know about that button. Is there something else you want to tell me?”

I was about to mediate a messy estate dispute between family members who’d been winding their way through the legal system for a couple years. [Read more]

3 simple tricks to calm down during disagreements

It’s funny how frequently people introduce me as an anger management specialist. It used to puzzle me, because I didn’t think of myself that way.

But I get it now: When I help you express disagreement and negotiate more effectively, I’m also helping you manage your emotional state better.

Here, then, are my three simplest tricks for calming down during disagreements at work or home. I use them myself and for helping others manage their anger, whether I’m helping from the mediator’s chair, the coach’s chair, or the organizational consultant’s chair: [Read more]

Stop an argument dead in its tracks: “Let’s fight about it”

Arguments can be seductive. What begins as a minor squabble escalates as each person temporarily loses their senses, forgetting that winning a squabble is rarely a success at all.

In the heat of the moment during interpersonal conflict, the gap between what you know and what you do becomes the damn Grand Canyon.

What if you have a simple, surefire phrase that either of you could offer up, right as you teeter on the brink? Something that would stop the argument before you go over the edge? [Read more]

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