Whenever I see my doctor, she asks me if I’m still mediating and conflict coaching. “Yes!” I reply with zest, knowing what’s coming next. “How’s your stress level?” she asks, looking a little worried on my behalf.
I understand that most normal people consider the act of stepping into the middle of other people’s conflicts a stressful choice. Years ago, while donating blood and chatting it up with the Red Cross nurse, I mentioned I’m a mediator. She looked at me, aghast, and slapped her hand on my forehead as though taking my temperature. “Let me get this right,” she said, “you willingly walk into other people’s disagreements?!”
Maybe I’m just in denial, but I don’t experience my work as generally stressful. And since I always get a concurrent, perhaps even a bit incredulous, “Huh, you’re blood pressure’s nice and low,” from the same doctor, I suspect my body isn’t finding it highly stressful either.
But that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments I experience stress from the mediator’s chair or the coach’s corner. I do experience moments when my body is tense, or my stomach is in knots, or I lean my forehead on my car’s steering wheel and cry after sitting with good people in a lousy situation.
I learned long ago that stress is a hint. It’s a little voice in my body, whispering that I may be…
- Allowing myself to fret that the situation might not get sorted out.
- Worried about how my job performance is looking to my clients.
- Worried that they’re second-guessing their decision to mediate or invite me in as a coach.
Stress is a hint I’m off track. Because when I worry about any of the above, I’m making it about me or I’m jumping into the future. Any mediator worth her salt knows it isn’t about me and how good I look, nor is it about being anywhere but right here, right now.
Some of you who read Conflict Zen are mediators and most of you are not. So from whatever perspective you bring to this conversation, I’m curious:
When you experience stress, what is it whispering to you?
)This is my contribution for my pal Robert Hruzek’s group writing project, What I Learned from Stress. Lots of other good stress-induced learnings are gathering in the comments, so I hope you’ll wander over after adding your thoughts here!)
Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.
Curious, when you first started mediating, do you remember it being more stressful than it seems to be now? Maybe you had more of those “head on the steering wheel” moments?
Why do I ask? Well, if my theory is true, theory being you WERE more stressed, then you have figured out a way to “deal” with the stresses of your job. If that be the case, how ARE you dealing with those stresses? Maybe not just in your job, but with everyday LIFE stresses.
Dealing with stress is something that I’m struggling with personally.
Thanks,
Scott
Scott, that’s a great question. Surprisingly, perhaps to some, the answer is no, I didn’t feel more stress when I was first mediating. I suspect that’s because I had the good fortune to take a cohesive year-long mediation education post-grad certificate before I began mediating professionally, and I learned there how to allow others’ conflict to pass through me rather than absorb into me…as you note, I learned to manage it effectively.
Your questions made me realize there’s something I didn’t say out loud in my article, so thanks for giving me an opportunity to now: I don’t consider all stress to be something to manage or avoid.
I think some stress is healthy, because it’s a way to alert me. It’s the eat-at-your-core stress that I allow to pass through and away from me in my work by choosing consciously not to carry others’ conflict home with me.
When I was training to be a mediator, I handled a lot of pro-bono small claims cases in New York City. In a case where an attorney was suing her client for non-payment (the defense was that the attorney was ineffective), the defendant says to me in a caucus, “I would hate to have your job. It must be so stressful dealing with all this conflict.”
My response to her: “Actually, my job isn’t stressful at all. If this case settles or doesn’t settle, I will go home and sleep well knowing I did my best today. You, on the other hand, will likely have to come back here once or twice more before the case is heard by a judge. Every day, you will probably think about this case and how wronged you feel. And if the judge doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, you’ll be resentful for a long time. Are you sure that’s what you want? Wouldn’t it be better to settle this case today so you can move on with your life?”
That case didn’t settle that day, but I’ve used the story in subsequent mediations that have helped lead to settlements.
The conflict is not mine nor should it be. I do my best to help them get it to resolve. Not every dispute has an immediate resolution (witness the middle east). But even without a resolution, I’ve helped the parties move closer to one.
Sorry I’m late with a comment, Tammy!
I recall very clearly that one of the things I thought when I first met you and discovered your calling was something along the lines of, “Wow, this lady is totally whacked out!”
But upon reflection, my amazement turned to admiration for the role you play. I love what you say here about stress: that it’s a sign that it suddenly “about me” when it shouldn’t be. Very insightful.
Thanks for joining us for this month’s What I Learned From Stress project, Tammy! Hope to see you next time, too!
Cheers!
Marvin – Great story. You nailed it when you said that the conflict isn’t yours and shouldn’t be — that’s one of the things I think good mediators learn and which helps us not bear the weight of the world unduly. Thanks for taking the time to share the story!
Robert – That’s so funny! I certainly don’t recall a look of recoiling or horror on your face, so you hid it well
. Glad to know I’m sounding a bit more like a normal person to you now! Thanks for hosting the project and naming a great topic to muse and write about.
Tammy,
I agree completely. I can see that we might feel some base level perfomance anxiety stress. However, if we feel a high degreee of stress, it’s probably about us and not the client.
I am reminded of one concept I learned awhile ago that goes like this: “Stress is often caused by the perception of threat.”
If this concept is true (and I think it usually is) then stress often comes from how we perceive the situation. So, if we feel a high degree of stress, then we are probably perceiving a personal threat. Therefore, we are thinking too much about ourselves and not enough about the needs of the parties involved in the dispute.
Good post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hi there, Guy – I like that quote a lot. Rings true to me, too. I’m reminded of one of the definitions of conflict — conflict results when something important feels threatened. Interesting relationship — and not one that would be surprising to those of us who mediate — relationship between conflict and stress, then.
Thanks for coming by!