Comments on: 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/ conflict resolution tips for work and life Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:57:18 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Tammy Lenski http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-1823 Tammy Lenski Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:16:40 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-1823 Ooh, Leona, good addition! That word, "just" is a real lightning rod, isn't it? And then the pseudo-diagnosis sets things off more. Thanks for the contribution! Ooh, Leona, good addition! That word, “just” is a real lightning rod, isn’t it? And then the pseudo-diagnosis sets things off more.

Thanks for the contribution!

]]> By: leona dawson http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-1822 leona dawson Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:00:14 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-1822 Hi Tammy Here is one that I am learning not to use as it is a connection-killer: "You're/They're just" ...followed by an analysis of their motivations or a description of their character, or an outline of their patterns. eg. "You're just reacting like this because you have passive-aggressive tendencies and can't face..." or "You're just a procrastinator and that's why..." or "You're just treating me like your mother because...." or "They're just doing that because...." Hi Tammy

Here is one that I am learning not to use as it is a connection-killer:

“You’re/They’re just” …followed by an analysis of their motivations or a description of their character, or an outline of their patterns.

eg. “You’re just reacting like this because you have passive-aggressive tendencies and can’t face…” or “You’re just a procrastinator and that’s why…” or “You’re just treating me like your mother because….” or “They’re just doing that because….”

]]> By: 20 tried-and-true ways to unclutter a conflict | Conflict Zen http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-1803 20 tried-and-true ways to unclutter a conflict | Conflict Zen Fri, 26 Sep 2008 10:02:15 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-1803 [...] Avoid the 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution [...] [...] Avoid the 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution [...]

]]> By: Tammy Lenski http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-1153 Tammy Lenski Tue, 05 Aug 2008 01:44:20 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-1153 Hey there, Ann, I hope all is well with you! I appreciate your comments about change and how -- all too frequently -- the "resistance to change" label is put on the person(s) who don't agree with you. Big trap! Hey there, Ann, I hope all is well with you! I appreciate your comments about change and how — all too frequently — the “resistance to change” label is put on the person(s) who don’t agree with you. Big trap!

]]> By: ann michael http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-1121 ann michael Sat, 02 Aug 2008 19:18:31 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-1121 Wow Tammy - those are great (I may be slow but I eventually get there - to this post that is!). It's hard to pick a favorite one - but #4 really hits home for me. I get involved in A LOT of change and it always amazes me how change resistance is thought to be the other guy's problem - usually because they don't agree with you! I can't think of one major change initiative (including the one's I've managed myself) in which at least one time the change proponent was actually the resistor (resisting the need to adjust their plan because it wasn't quite right). Thanks for a great post! Ann (PS - number 2 is a strong runner up!) Wow Tammy – those are great (I may be slow but I eventually get there – to this post that is!).

It’s hard to pick a favorite one – but #4 really hits home for me. I get involved in A LOT of change and it always amazes me how change resistance is thought to be the other guy’s problem – usually because they don’t agree with you!

I can’t think of one major change initiative (including the one’s I’ve managed myself) in which at least one time the change proponent was actually the resistor (resisting the need to adjust their plan because it wasn’t quite right).

Thanks for a great post!

Ann

(PS – number 2 is a strong runner up!)

]]> By: Tammy Lenski http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-922 Tammy Lenski Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:19:26 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-922 Supernetuser, that's a good one for the list. If a person's mentally ill and truly not able to be responsible for their behavior, we may have compassion <em>and</em> still feel frustration with the impact of their behavior on our life. And if the person who says that to you isn't mentally ill, then next time they say it, offer them <a href="" rel="nofollow">this reminder that benign intention never sanitizes bad impact</a>. Supernetuser, that’s a good one for the list. If a person’s mentally ill and truly not able to be responsible for their behavior, we may have compassion and still feel frustration with the impact of their behavior on our life.

And if the person who says that to you isn’t mentally ill, then next time they say it, offer them this reminder that benign intention never sanitizes bad impact.

]]> By: Supernetuser http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-909 Supernetuser Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:50:31 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-909 I have major issues with one conflict in my life right now. In particular, "you shouldn't be mad at me, I'm not responsible for my behavior", is another one that really gets me mad. I have major issues with one conflict in my life right now. In particular, “you shouldn’t be mad at me, I’m not responsible for my behavior”, is another one that really gets me mad.

]]> By: Tammy Lenski http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-894 Tammy Lenski Tue, 15 Jul 2008 08:49:19 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-894 Guy, I love the phrase you shared, "Don't should on people." I can't believe I've never heard that before and it's <em>perfect</em>. I also appreciate hearing that this article got you thinking and seeing that you've continued the conversation on your own blog. The blogosphere's a terrific place for extending and building on ideas, isn't it? Thanks for stopping by, Guy, and welcome to the world of ADR blogs. Guy, I love the phrase you shared, “Don’t should on people.” I can’t believe I’ve never heard that before and it’s perfect.

I also appreciate hearing that this article got you thinking and seeing that you’ve continued the conversation on your own blog. The blogosphere’s a terrific place for extending and building on ideas, isn’t it?

Thanks for stopping by, Guy, and welcome to the world of ADR blogs.

]]> By: Guy Harris http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-891 Guy Harris Tue, 15 Jul 2008 04:19:37 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-891 Tammy, After my last comment, I thought some more about this post. It occurred to me that six of the seven phrases effectively shift blame to the other party. This thought became the basis for a post at my blog. Thanks for getting my brain going. Guy Harriss last blog post..<a href="http://principledriven.com/blog/2008/07/14/take-responsibility-for-your-contribution/" rel="nofollow">Take Responsibility For Your Contribution</a> Tammy,

After my last comment, I thought some more about this post. It occurred to me that six of the seven phrases effectively shift blame to the other party.

This thought became the basis for a post at my blog. Thanks for getting my brain going.

Guy Harriss last blog post..Take Responsibility For Your Contribution

]]> By: Guy Harris http://conflictzen.com/7-phrases-you-cant-say-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-889 Guy Harris Tue, 15 Jul 2008 03:04:45 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/?p=473#comment-889 Tammy, I really like Diane's comment above. It reminds me of a phrase I have heard in a similar context: "Don't should on people." You're absolutely right that how we would feel or think that someone else should feel in a given situation has little or no relevance. It certainly does not contribute to resolving the conflict. When we tell other people how they should feel, we minimize their perspective and devalue their viewpoint. Diane - Thanks for the input. Tammy - Great blog. You've got some really thought provoking posts. Guy Harriss last blog post..<a href="http://principledriven.com/blog/2008/07/09/focus-on-the-future/" rel="nofollow">Focus on the Future</a> Tammy,

I really like Diane’s comment above. It reminds me of a phrase I have heard in a similar context: “Don’t should on people.”

You’re absolutely right that how we would feel or think that someone else should feel in a given situation has little or no relevance. It certainly does not contribute to resolving the conflict.

When we tell other people how they should feel, we minimize their perspective and devalue their viewpoint.

Diane – Thanks for the input.

Tammy – Great blog. You’ve got some really thought provoking posts.

Guy Harriss last blog post..Focus on the Future

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