7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution
July 6, 2008 ·
What if George Carlin had been a mediator instead of a comedian?
I’d like to think he’d have challenged some of the conventions and sacred cows of the conflict resolution world, just like he pushed the envelope with the media.
So I’ll do it instead, though admittedly no George Carlin. While there’s no FCC monitor to bleep you if you utter them, these phrases are dirty words in my lexicon and when I hear them, particularly the first one, I cringe inwardly (and sometimes outwardly).
Phrases like these are traps and black holes for engaging conflict effectively. They complexify conflict even while they purport to simplify it. And they may be giving mediators, mediation and conflict coaches a bad name.
- Let’s compromise. Compromise is the dirtiest word of conflict resolution, because compromise isn’t the goal, it’s the fallback if nothing better can be achieved. When you start with compromise, you’re tacitly inviting everyone to give up something important in order to reach resolution. That’s no place to begin because there are other highly effective ways to approach problem-solving that have little to do with compromise. A good mediator or conflict coach will have a deep enough toolbox to help you explore the conflict using those other paths. If you resolve conflict in personal and professional relationships primarily by compromise, you create a negotiation pattern that’s all about giving up and horse-trading…not the greatest foundation to build the relationship for the long run.
- Don’t take it personally. I consider this one of the most useless pieces of advice for effective conflict resolution, and I know saying so is anathema to some. Conflict gets tricky because it reaches into us very personally…into our identities, our values, our beings. Ordering someone to ignore this may be asking the impossible and can actually distract the conversation from the deeper issues that need attention. When have you simply gotten over something because someone told you to? Taking a conflict personally helps you figure out why it’s eating at you, what’s pressing against you, and how to address it. Go for it.
- He’s a difficult person. If anyone’s in a position to say how many difficult people there are out there, it’s a professional mediator and conflict coach like me. And in my literally thousands of cases and clients, I’ve run into very, very few people I think are generally difficult. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler once said, “Every person you fight with has many other people in his life with whom he gets along quite well. You cannot look at a person who seems difficult to you without also looking at yourself.” Enough said.
- She can’t handle change. That’s just utter nonsense. People change all the time – their hair color, their homes, their jobs, their careers, their towns, even their partners and spouses. That’s a lot of change in a lifetime. Chalking up someone’s resistance as dislike of or inability to change causes you not to look any deeper for more meaningful information – like unhappiness with the way the change is happening, fear caused by lack of concrete information about the way the change will affect them, or dissatisfaction with genuine opportunities for their voice to be heard in the change process.
- Be respectful. No one seeks to be treated disrespectfully, but telling someone to be respectful is like saying nothing at all. To make this point in a workshop once, I asked 20 people to describe what disrespect looked like to them. Not surprisingly, I got 20 different answers. Instead of regulating respect, make your request in simple behavioral terms like this: “Please let me finish my sentences.”
- Control yourself. While it’s reasonable and fair to expect basic anger management from your family, friends and colleagues, smoothing over disagreements because of your own discomfort with conflict – and demanding others to do the same – may prevent the real issues from getting aired and addressed. Anger is a signal that there’s something important eating at us, and quashing it unduly ignores signals that something’s in need of attention.
- I don’t have a Number 7. I couldn’t think of another one that I find as irritating and ineffective as those above. So I’m asking you…what should go here?
Thanks, George Carlin, for the laughs, the wit, and the inspiration. And thanks, Ann Michael, for encouraging me to write about this when we chatted at SOBCon and before we knew George would be leaving us.
Boy, do I have a #7.
Here’s one that makes my blood boil, and I bet it pushes buttons for others as well:
“You shouldn’t feel that way” (usually uttered in a tone of hurt defensiveness).
Gaahh!! There’s nothing worse than trying to make people feel wrong for having feelings. The best thing you can do is to acknowledge, not deny or put a lid on, the hurt or angry feelings that the person you’re in conflict with is experiencing. Try instead saying, “I can see how angry and upset you are at this news. I am so sorry it has affected you this way. Please help me understand why — I really want to know what’s going on.” And then listen up.
Thanks for invoking George Carlin with this post, Tammy — he was one of the greats and I so admired him for his commitment to free expression.
Oooh, Diane, that is a good one. Gaahh! is right!
I think when people say, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” what they really mean is, “I wish you felt differently,” or “I would feel differently in your shoes.”
Who are we to say what someone else should or shouldn’t feel? Or, frankly, that we’d feel differently in their shoes. Doesn’t matter. That’s how they feel and that’s what you want to work with, because “should” or “shouldn’t” is simply distraction.
Tammy,
I really like Diane’s comment above. It reminds me of a phrase I have heard in a similar context: “Don’t should on people.”
You’re absolutely right that how we would feel or think that someone else should feel in a given situation has little or no relevance. It certainly does not contribute to resolving the conflict.
When we tell other people how they should feel, we minimize their perspective and devalue their viewpoint.
Diane - Thanks for the input.
Tammy - Great blog. You’ve got some really thought provoking posts.
Guy Harriss last blog post..Focus on the Future
Tammy,
After my last comment, I thought some more about this post. It occurred to me that six of the seven phrases effectively shift blame to the other party.
This thought became the basis for a post at my blog. Thanks for getting my brain going.
Guy Harriss last blog post..Take Responsibility For Your Contribution
Guy, I love the phrase you shared, “Don’t should on people.” I can’t believe I’ve never heard that before and it’s perfect.
I also appreciate hearing that this article got you thinking and seeing that you’ve continued the conversation on your own blog. The blogosphere’s a terrific place for extending and building on ideas, isn’t it?
Thanks for stopping by, Guy, and welcome to the world of ADR blogs.
I have major issues with one conflict in my life right now. In particular, “you shouldn’t be mad at me, I’m not responsible for my behavior”, is another one that really gets me mad.
Supernetuser, that’s a good one for the list. If a person’s mentally ill and truly not able to be responsible for their behavior, we may have compassion and still feel frustration with the impact of their behavior on our life.
And if the person who says that to you isn’t mentally ill, then next time they say it, offer them this reminder that benign intention never sanitizes bad impact.
Wow Tammy - those are great (I may be slow but I eventually get there - to this post that is!).
It’s hard to pick a favorite one - but #4 really hits home for me. I get involved in A LOT of change and it always amazes me how change resistance is thought to be the other guy’s problem - usually because they don’t agree with you!
I can’t think of one major change initiative (including the one’s I’ve managed myself) in which at least one time the change proponent was actually the resistor (resisting the need to adjust their plan because it wasn’t quite right).
Thanks for a great post!
Ann
(PS - number 2 is a strong runner up!)
Hey there, Ann, I hope all is well with you! I appreciate your comments about change and how — all too frequently — the “resistance to change” label is put on the person(s) who don’t agree with you. Big trap!
[...] Avoid the 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution [...]
Hi Tammy
Here is one that I am learning not to use as it is a connection-killer:
“You’re/They’re just” …followed by an analysis of their motivations or a description of their character, or an outline of their patterns.
eg. “You’re just reacting like this because you have passive-aggressive tendencies and can’t face…” or “You’re just a procrastinator and that’s why…” or “You’re just treating me like your mother because….” or “They’re just doing that because….”
Ooh, Leona, good addition! That word, “just” is a real lightning rod, isn’t it? And then the pseudo-diagnosis sets things off more.
Thanks for the contribution!