Back in the days when I was a college dean I ran into a gatekeeping problem with the executive assistant of a vice president I worked with frequently. Donna was a zealous gatekeeper and the first response was a routine “no” anytime I asked if the VP was available for a few minutes.
One day, I decided to talk about the problem with Donna. I’m finding it frustrating that every time I come in here, the first response is always no. I’d like to talk about this, since I so frequently need to see Paula (the VP) for troubleshooting on the fly.
That’s not my problem, said Donna with a tone of finality. Good luck with it. She turned back to her computer.
The “not my problem” problem comes up a lot in conflict situations. And when I asked readers in May, what frustrates you most in conflict situations?, a lot of you named this one. As one of you put it, It drives me crazy when someone says, “If this is important to you, then you deal with it.”
What “It’s Not My Problem” Really Means
It’s easy to conclude that the “not my problem” person is dismissing you out of hand because they don’t care, but that’s only scratching the surface. When someone tells you to deal with the problem yourself, the subtext could be…
- I truly don’t care because I see this as your problem, not mine.
- I care but don’t have the desire to have this difficult conversation with you.
- I don’t think this will get resolved and don’t want to waste my time on it.
- This scares me so I’m going to avoid it at all costs.
- You’re better positioned to resolve this than me, but I’ll never say that out loud.
- I’m overwhelmed right now and don’t have extra bandwidth for this one too.
So be careful of your assumptions.
3 Strategies for the “Not My Problem” Problem
I’ve found that three general strategies address virtually all the possible scenarios. And since I know some of you reading Conflict Zen are fellow mediators and conflict coaches looking for conflict resolution tips to use with your own clients, I particularly draw your attention to #1 and #3 because they can be highly effective approaches for third-party folks like us.
Strategy 1: Help them understand it is their problem as long as it’s your problem. While every problem you have isn’t shared by others, some problems create a chasm between you even if only one of you really cares about the issue. One way to say this so the other person understands is, As long as I’m frustrated by this there’s going to be tension between us, and over time that tension will create a bigger problem. I’d like your help in nipping this in the bud, even if you don’t feel like it’s particularly important to you yet.
Strategy 2: Make sure you’re not framing the problem as theirs alone to fix. When you put the resolution of a dispute on the other’s shoulders, they’re very likely to shrug it off as a defense mechanism. Framing it as a joint problem to solve might sound like this invitation: It is important to me, yes, and I do want to deal with it. I think the outcome will be better if your thinking is included than if I do it alone.
Strategy 3: Make sure they’re not right. Are you absolutely sure that you need their help to resolve the problem? Have you handed some of your power away by making it about them when it might actually be in your own power to change the situation? Remember that old Spanish proverb, It takes two to quarrel but only one to end it.
I vividly recall staring down at Donna, who was studiously focused on her computer monitor. I bit my tongue to prevent the curt reply my New Yorker self so much wanted to deliver. Then I took path #1: Help her understand this was indeed her problem as well as mine.
Donna, it seems to me that if we don’t talk about this I’m going to get more and more ticked off about this until I finally raise it with Paula. I know others have. I’d rather sort this out with you directly. And we did.
What other “not my problem” situations would you like some ideas about addressing?
Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.
Today I’m presenting two negotiation and conflict resolution workshops for the 
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