How to screw up an offer of apology

untangling disagreementsImagine getting a phone call from the gardener at your out-of-state family home. Now imagine your gardener telling you that your house and your belongings are nowhere to be seen.

That’s the call a Dallas woman received recently about her family home in Jackson, Mississippi.

It turns out that a Jackson State University contractor demolished the wrong house after a “prankster” (way too mild a word) made it look like the woman’s house was the one designated to be razed, instead of a university-owned house. Said a University official, “I’m sad that we made the mistake, and I wish that we hadn’t. It was nothing intentional.”

The apology started out so promising…and ended up so utterly ruined. It’s the implied “but” just before the last sentence that ruined it.

And the homeowner agrees, [Read more...]

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A simple way to know if conflict resolution is making progress

untangling disagreementsThis is a Zen koan (traditional story) known as Maybe:

A farmer’s horse ran away. His neighbors gathered upon hearing the news and said sympathetically, “That’s such bad luck.”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The horse returned on his own the next morning, and brought seven wild horses with it. “Look how many more horses you have now,” the neighbors exclaimed. “How lucky!”

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next day, the farmer’s son attempted to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. “How awful,” the neighbors said. “It looks like your luck has turned for the worse again.” [Read more...]

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Conflict zen newsletter, july 2008

conflict zen newsletterHugh Prather’s on my mind.

I haven’t thought of Hugh Prather for two decades, but he’s come up twice this week. I was chatting with Liz Strauss and she mentioned his work. When she said his name, it took me a moment to recollect who he was.

That very afternoon, as I packed books from my college years (for our upcoming move one town over), I was startled to find a dog-eared copy of Prather’s Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person. It had been sandwiched between two larger books on the top shelf of a very tall bookcase. I didn’t even recall still having it.

It’s one of those synchronistic moments when it seems like the universe is trying to get my attention. So I sat down amidst boxes and packing tape and spent a few minutes with Hugh. Here’s one of the reflections that the book opened to almost immediately: [Read more...]

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A father, a son, a story of fury and forgiveness

healthy relationshipsWhat happens when you forgive someone?

Sometimes you unlock old memories of their goodness. Goodness that’s been overshadowed by their transgressions, but still exists.

And sometimes, you unlock your own anger and resentment in the process.

Calvin Sandborn, a professor of environmental law and the legal director of the University of Victoria Environmental Law Clinic, sent me a story of his from Canada’s National Post. The Dark Side of Dad, printed just before Father’s Day, begins, [Read more...]

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7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution

What if George Carlin had been a mediator instead of a comedian?

I’d like to think he’d have challenged some of the conventions and sacred cows of the conflict resolution world, just like he pushed the envelope with the media.

So I’ll do it instead, though admittedly no George Carlin. While there’s no FCC monitor to bleep you if you utter them, these phrases are dirty words in my lexicon and when I hear them, particularly the first one, I cringe inwardly (and sometimes outwardly).

Phrases like these are traps and black holes for engaging conflict effectively. They complexify conflict even while they purport to simplify it. And they may be giving mediators, mediation and conflict coaches a bad name. [Read more...]

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4th of july declaration of interdependence

I created this a while back and the 4th of July holiday seems like the right time to share it again, particularly since so many of you are new readers (thank you!).

Here’s my Declaration of Interpendence:

(Can’t see the video in your feed reader or email? Click here to go to My Declaration of Interdependence.)

Happy holiday weekend for those of you here in the U.S.
Tammy
Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

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