Your New Year’s Conflict Resolution
December 31, 2006
Blogger Pamela Slim tells this story about the start of a new day:
When my husband was a little boy, his grandpa would wake him up before the sun came up and lead him outside. Facing east, he would take out a bag of corn pollen and say his traditional Navajo morning prayers. When he was done, he would say “Grandson, this is a brand new day. It has never been used, never been touched. Enjoy it. Ya at eeh. (It is good.)”
Cooling Holiday Hotheads: Television Stars Confront Their Triggers
December 21, 2006
A few weeks ago I got a call from the agent of four television stars seeking some assistance from a conflict management expert. As the agent and I chatted, I learned that all four stars are anticipating the upcoming Christmas season, with its family gatherings, fast pace and occasional stress.
All four have reputations—in the public eye as well as in their families—as hotheads, and they really want to get a grip on their hot buttons and have a joyful holiday with those they love. The rep asked if I’d fly north to spend some time with the four of them and see if I could be of assistance.
In our first hours together, it became clear to me that each of the four felt the source of much of their frustration came from other people who “pressed their buttons.” Each felt strongly that if they could just learn how to control others people’s behavior, they’d be better able to manage their own difficult conversations. Uh oh, I thought.
Given one of the star’s significant size and well-known displays of aggression, I was, frankly, a little nervous about what I wanted to share with them. Cautiously, I proceeded with the seminar. [Read more]
Getting People to Change: A Mission Doomed to Failure
December 19, 2006
“I’ve got an employee who refuses to change. Can you give me some tips for making him understand he’s got to change the way he’s doing things at work?”
So wrote a reader, I’ll call her Chloe, who’s in middle management at a university. I hear this question frequently during workshops, too, so decided it’s time to write about it again.
In 2005 I wrote a post, Nothing’s Permanent Except Change, making the case that it’s not very effective to put people in the “he can’t change” or “she doesn’t like change” box and interact with them accordingly. I also said—and still do—that trying to make anybody do anything is a trap:
Comedian David Sedaris said, “I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.” I suspect a lot of us have our secret and not-so-secret lists, too. [Read more]
What Really Is Important During the Holiday Season
December 15, 2006
When I first heard this recording many months ago, I knew I wanted to share it with friends and family during the holiday season. It seems just the right time for this moving message by Alan Stewart, who has generously given me permission to stream his recording here for you.
What Really Is Important? by Alan Stewart, first recorded in 1999 and echoing ’round and ’round the world ever since: [Read more]
Conflict Hack: Feedback Sandwiches Don’t Work
December 15, 2006
Hacks, or lifehacks, are clever or quick ways to help simplify or improve a problem. As of this month, I’ve renamed my monthly QuickTips posts “Conflict Hacks.”
We’ve all been the giver or receiver of a feedback sandwich at some point. A feedback sandwich goes like this:
First slice of bread: “Hey, Ana, good work job on those sections of the handbook you’re drafting–it’s clear you’re putting real effort into it.” [Read more]
Tag, You’re It
December 11, 2006
The talented Christine Kane has “tagged” me as one of the next links in a cyber-chain, sort of like a chain letter but more fun. To keep the chain going, I have to share five things you probably don’t know about me and then I get to tag a few folks. Ok, here are five things you don’t know and may, in a few minutes, wish you still didn’t know!
- For a whole lot of years as a kid, starting when I was about seven, I planned to get my doctorate in archaeology, then go to Olduvai Gorge and dig for bones like Mary and Richard Leakey. I used to practice my technique in rock piles behind my house, using old toothbrushes and nail files. It’s just as well that one wore out as my primary dream…I’d never have had that kind of detailed patience. I still read the archaeology stories first in National Geographic, though.
- I used to be a pretty serious Scottish Highland dancer. [Read more]
Conflict Coaching for Marion, Part 2
December 7, 2006
I’ve been working with Marion over the past few weeks. Marion, you may recall, is a Conflict Zen reader who contacted me after a frustrating experience involving a client and and an invoice. She and I chatted and she agreed to permit me to write about the coaching experience here, while keeping key details private.
In our first phone conversation, I asked Marion to consider her most important goals for her work with me and in light of her recent experience with that client. We pondered the question together and Marion identified these: [Read more]
