Giving advice is a problem-solving crutch

untangling disagreementsI recently finished a stint co-teaching a basic mediation workshop I deliver about four times a year to people from many different backgrounds. In this most recent workshop, we had a social worker, several attorneys, a nurse practitioner, a teacher, a builder, two human resources directors, a college student, a human development trainer, and a long-retired World War II vet, among others. All were there because they had an interest in either becoming mediators or integrating dispute resolution skills into their professional work in some way.

On the first evening of the training, my co-trainer, Alice, and I, tell participants we really have just one rule: No advice giving. [Read more...]

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Conflict? What Conflict?

I’m on my way to Philadelphia for the annual national conference of the Association for Conflict Resolution, where I’m presenting a workshop on practice-building for other mediators. I stopped by my big sister’s house on the first leg of my trip and we had one of those conversations that would make Rod’s head spin. Pressed for time before I had to hit the road again, we were talking fast and in layers, finishing each other’s sentences and overlapping sentences. It was great.

We talked briefly about my upcoming workshop and pondered why there’s a need for mediators to have a practice-building workshop. That lead to a conversation about the public’s lack of familiarity with mediation, confusion about the difference between mediation and arbitration, and the tendency for people to wait until they’re thinking “lawyer” to consider mediation. And then my sister added, “Half the people in a conflict don’t think they’re in a conflict and so would never think to hire a mediator.” [Read more...]

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Today Is Conflict Resolution Day

Today is Conflict Resolution Day, recognized internationally on the third Thursday in October.

What will you do in the spirit of the day? Here are some ideas: [Read more...]

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How to Win an Argument, Part 3: Know Your Real Goals

Ultimately, the way to win an argument is to be clear about your definition of “win” and ensure that definition is consistent with your long-term goals. Ask yourself these questions:

  1. How am I defining “win”?
  2. Does that definition serve my long-term goals with this person?
  3. Should I reconsider my definition to better meet my long-term goals?

[Read more...]

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Coachamatic: Some Things Are Just Damn Fun

Question: Where can you find 30 lifestyle and business coaches from around the globe, a glossy red toolbox of information, and the inimitable Andy Wibbels all in one place?

Answer: Coachamatic, that’s where!

Coachamatic is the brainchild of Andy Wibbels, award-winning blogger and best-selling author of Blogwild!: A Guide for Small Business Blogging. A few months ago Andy gathered together 30 of us [Read more...]

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How to Win an Argument, Part 2: Mr Bean Drives a Hard Bargain

Mr Bean drives a hard bargain. Not that Mr Bean, our Mr Bean, aka Luigi, our 9-lb. shih tzu.

This morning I rounded up the dogs for their morning jaunt up our long driveway through the woods. Hugo charged outside as usual, nose on the ground, figuring out what creatures had been in the yard overnight.

Luigi stood in front of the garage and refused to budge. Just stared at me. I called to him again. Nada. Except for one slight movement…he looked me in the eye, then slid his eyes very deliberately to the left. [Read more...]

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And Speaking of Ships…

How to Win an Argument, Part 2 is coming. But I got sidetracked by the whole ship thing in How to Win an Argument, Part 1.

Rod and I had a wee tiff the other day. We got a little snarky with one another over…well, I can’t recall what it was over. That says something, doesn’t it? Hopefully not about premature senior moments.

Rod marched down to his office. I sat on the couch and stared out at the remnants of fall foliage in New Hampshire. I glanced down and saw our cat Kimball, also called Glenda, the Good Witch of the North. I decided to be Good Tammy.

[Read more...]

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How to Win an Argument, Part 1

This transcript is from the radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995:

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.” [Read more...]

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Working from Home: When Home and Work Collide

Thanks to the graciousness of the amazing Yvonne DiVita, I had a chance to guest-blog for her today at Lip-Sticking: Smart Marketing to Women Online. If you have a moment, drop on by and read Working from Home: When Home and Work Collide. And while you’re there, particularly if you’re a small business owner and a woman, check out Yvonne’s wisdom and resources.

Have a lovely weekend,
Tammy

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The Shamu Maneuver Causes a Stir

healthy relationshipsEarlier in the summer the New York Times Sunday magazine featured a story that ultimately proved so popular that it was emailed around the globe and became the fodder of many a blogger. I blogged about it too, after my husband emailed a copy of the article along with the note, “Now that one woman has revealed this tactic, husbands everywhere will be free from the ‘Shamu maneuver’.” If you know Rod, then you know he wrote this with a chuckle.

The New York Times article, What Shamu Taught Me about a Happy Marriage, chronicles the author’s visit to exotic animal trainers as part of research for a book she was writing. “The central lesson,” she learned from exotic animal trainers, “is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don’t. After all, you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging.” The author then goes on to relate her experiments with this approach in her own relationship with her husband.

I wrote a quick little blog post about the article because it had made both Rod and me laugh. Many people emailed me in response to my post, most with humor and good wishes, but a few with a surprising – to me, anyway – amount of anger. The people who took time to email me seemed to fall into one of three general camps:

The Appreciative Camp. The overwhelming number of responses came from this group. These folks told me they got a laugh from my blog post and from the original Times article. They appreciated the reminder that we can respond to behavior we don’t like in simple, gentle ways that reduce nagging and bickering. These were the folks I generally believed got the point of my blog post.

The Anti-Manipulation Camp: These folks were annoyed that I seemed to be advocating the idea that women should manipulate their husbands. I figured these were mostly first-time visitors to my site, since regulars know I’m an advocate of direct and straightforward conflict engagement instead of covert manipulation. But perhaps these writers had a point, because the post did advocate a low-conflict approach to dealing with behaviors that drive us up the wall, especially from those closest to us.

The Humans Aren’t Animals Camp. It’s this group that’s left me musing, as these folks were the most acerbic in tone and message. These folks appeared outraged that human behavior should be compared in any way to the behavior of other members of the animal kingdom. Shamu, it seems, was a major trigger.

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know I’m guilty of the “lessons from animals” approach. Our dogs, Luigi and Hugo, are occasional teachers I mention, more so than the cats, Marbles and Kimball, who tend toward the inscrutable. I’ve written about chimps, gorillas, Hurricane Katrina abandoned pets, and now, an orca. Though I appear to have ignored non-mammals, I’d certainly consider them if I stumbled across something I found compelling.

Why is it that blurring the line between human behavior and animal behavior so gets some folks’ goat? Why does taking a lesson from the animal make some as mad as a wet hen? And why do a few folks go ape when I write that my little dog is better at assertiveness and conflict than many humans I know? Hold your horses, folks!

Apparently I hold animals in higher esteem than some readers believe I should. They were clearly insulted that a training approach for a member of the lowly dolphin family should be considered apropos – even when accompanied by a wink and a smile – for the marriage relationship. Maybe they think we’re too complex for such simple approaches.

But what if some of the behaviors that most trip us up in our relationships could be managed with dogged commitment to a simpler approach than whining, nagging and constant bickering?

I guess I’m in the dog house with some of you by now. Ah, well, at least I’ve got good company.
Tammy
Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com. This article was originally published in my regular column for The Monadnock Ledger-Transcript.

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We’re Having a Tuesday

When mom and dad have two different homes and the kids are moving between them, some exasperation is inevitable. It’s exactly that kind of exasperation that’s behind DK Simoneau’s new book, We’re Having a Tuesday.

Written, as DK says, as a “communication tool meant to help children and adults discuss the frustrations of the ongoing lifestyle change of shuffling between two homes,” it’s a book for children and meant to be read, at least the first time, with a parent. [Read more...]

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He Was So Mild Mannered…

I’ve been staring at this post for several hours, trying to decide whether or not to put it up for your reading. Since you’re seeing this, you know my decision.

I’ve been hesitating because the rawness of the most recent school shooting still hovers in the air. The horror and sadness are palpable, not just for those in Lancaster County, PA, but for a nation that’s beginning to comprehend that vengeance, bullying, and social dissaffection are having violent consequences beyond what we can ever control with school resource officers and metal detectors.

I’ve been hesitating because I know that what I wrote below will be uncomfortable for some of you. Maybe even make you angry. I don’t usually hesitate to speak my truth but find myself doing so this time, as I search for the right words to convey myself in a way that can reach your heart before resistance sets in.

[Read more...]

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