conflict resolution tips for work and life
What’s your favorite childhood memory? Stop reading. Think about it for a couple of minutes…allow yourself the trip. What memories do you cherish?
Now fast-forward to the future. If you’re the parent of a young child, ask yourself the question my pal Jill Urbane (aka The Mentor Mom) asked recently in her blog post Then and Now:
I found myself in good company today. Mike Sansone, in his post BlogHer: Where the Women Bloggers Are, mentioned that he’s puzzled by the question, “where are all the women bloggers?”
I’ve watched the question considered on other blogs and seen plenty of debate about why there seem to be fewer women bloggers. Instead of inviting more analysis on the question, Mike compiled a cool list of women bloggers he reads, including yours truly.
I’m humbled to be in the list because it includes women bloggers I look up to and introduces me to some fantastic new faces (new to me, anyway). Want to find other interesting women writing about a range of compelling topics? Head on over to Mike’s post for a terrific starting point in your search.
Thanks, Mike,
This post is a continuation of Stepping Up to Difficult Conversations: Know Your Strongest Hopes.
I wanted to know what my students would tell others about the act of stepping up to a difficult conversation, now that they had, albeit by force of assignment, completed their own. Here’s what they told me: [Read more...]
This post is a continuation of Stepping Up to Difficult Conversations: Fear Is Normal.
With the fears lingering in the air, I asked students their greatest hopes going into their difficult conversations. Hope can calm fear. Their hopes were simple and straightforward, neither grandiose nor insignificant: [Read more...]
This post is a continuation of Stepping Up to Difficult Conversations: What My Grad Students Taught Me. What I’m about to write will make more sense if you read that first!
I asked my grad students what their greatest fears were before having the difficult conversations they’d chosen. They named the kinds of fears you and I would probably name, too: [Read more...]
In Interpersonal Conflict, my all-time favorite course to teach, there is an assignment that often strikes fear in the hearts of my students. I try not to relish their fear too much.
These are adult students whose ages typically range from 30-60, all studying for a master’s degree in mediation and applied conflict studies. I announce the assignment on the first day of class and it’s due on the last day. In the classes in between, there are frequent questions about the assignment, worries expressed, support and coaching sought.
I once had a student who refused to do the assignment outright. For a while. He came around and completed it with gusto. I’ve had several who’ve told me that they didn’t think they’d be able to do the assignment because it didn’t really apply to them. Their thinking changed too, as the term unfolded.
With another round of this course just having wrapped up, the outcomes of that assignment are very fresh on my mind. I find myself pausing as I weed the garden or tap away at the computer keyboard, musing for another moment on one of the students’ comments about the assignment.
I do relish their discomfort but don’t think I’m a dark-hearted soul (though they may wonder about that when they first hear me announce it!). I relish it because I know what’s coming for them and know the discomfort they’re experiencing is helping them pay attention in a way they might not otherwise. It’s helping them really attend to the heart and soul of the assignment.
The assignment is this: They must have a difficult conversation about a matter that’s important to them, ideally with someone who’s also important to them. It may be a conversation they’ve been avoiding. Or it may be one they’ve had many times and it’s come out poorly. Or it may be one that came out of left field and they suddenly found themselves in a difficult conversation they hadn’t anticipated.
Between the time they learn of the assignment and the time they have to do it, my job is to help them consider the complexities that go into such conversations and prepare for the undertaking. Then I have the pleasure of sitting back and listening to what they learned and, in turn, learning from them.
Last week, after my current group of amazingly talented students reported on their difficult conversations, I asked them a few questions and told them I’d be blogging about their replies. And so I will be.
The next post in this short series is: Stepping Up to Difficult Conversations: Fear Is Normal.
Lucky to teach because it means I’m always learning,
Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.
Some of us avoid stepping up to the important conversations, particularly at work or when we’re new to a group, because we want others to view us as nice. Or gentle. Or easygoing. Or ____ (fill in the blank with whatever view you want people to have of you).
Women, more frequently than men, tell me they worry that speaking up at work will cause them to be tagged as "too aggressive." Rarely a shrinking violet myself, I’ve had a supervisory man or two tell me I’m on the assertive end of the continuum (hmm…as I thought about it, I realized I can’t recall a single woman ever saying that to me).
Refrain from using the terms “always” and “never” when you’re in a disagreement with someone. Making statements like, “You never listen to me” invites defensiveness because of the obvious hyperbole. Truly never ever? The real conversation gets side-tracked as the other person understandably defends against the all or nothing complaint.
Always happy to hear from you,
The fatalist’s reasoning for avoiding a difficult conversation is this: It won’t make any difference. Ah, there’s nothing like a self-fulfilling prophecy to make your day predictable. Maybe it won’t make any difference.
Certainly if you think it won’t, you’re probably setting yourself up for exactly that outcome. And it’s a guarantee that not having an important conversation will yield little—avoidance rarely results in change. Yet maybe the way you’ve been engaging such conversations is one reason they’re not making much of a difference. [Read more...]
Are there important conversations you’ve been avoiding in the relationships that matter most to you? What are they? What are you giving up by not stepping up? What are you gaining – is it enough?
In the coming weeks, I’m going to write about the common reasons women don’t speak up or confront the important conflicts. I want to challenge your thinking about the reasons you may be using to allow yourself not to step up. Let’s start right now.
Avoidance Reason #1: If I speak up about this, I’m afraid I’ll hurt the relationship instead of make it stronger.
Could be true, but I don’t buy it most of the time. Remember, we’re talking here about the conversations that matter most to you, not the little daily squabbles. If it matters to you, then by choosing not to speak up about it (domestic violence reasons aside, obviously), you’re contributing to a divide that is likely grow over time. If it’s real connection you want with the ones you love and with valued colleagues at work, avoiding is a sure-fire way to prevent it.
Mediators and conflict management coaches like me know about something called a "distancing spiral." Distancing spirals are just what they sound like: The more important matters are avoided, the greater the distance, which causes further avoidance of important conversations, and more emotional distance. The distancing spirals outward and onward. The great irony with the "I’m afraid I’ll hurt the relationship if I address this" concern is that if you honor your fear, you may well achieve exactly what you fear most.
Do you have a reason you avoid the difficult conversations in any of your important relationships? Drop me a note about it. I’ll keep your message confidential and will try to address you concern in an upcoming post.
The next post in this mini-series can be found at: Conflict Avoidance Reason 2: It Won’t Make Any Difference
Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.
There’s one negotiation mistake I see people in conflict make more frequently than any other: They get so caught up in the difficult dynamics of the conflict that they stop negotiating strategically. They get emotionally hooked, rely on making demands or threats, or spend their energy trying to convince the other side to accept blame, change, see the light…you name it. They lose track of their bigger and more important goals.
My husband used to visit an athletic trainer when his bum knee hurt after basketball. Zaf would ask, “Does it hurt when you do X?” When my husband said yes, the joking reply had some good advice built in: [Read more...]