conflict resolution tips for work and life
In conflict and negotiation, it’s a common mistake to assume you have less power than the other person, particularly in workplace situations where the other person is your supervisor or someone in higher positional authority. In any conflict or negotiation situation you have more possible sources of power than may immediately be obvious.
For example, in the 1960s, psychologists French and Raven suggested this now-famous list of types of social power: [Read more...]
Every summer, when National Geographic sends me my annual renewal notice, they remind me that I’ve been a “proud member since 1972.” My mother started me on NG when I was just a kid; she was a wise woman who understood how important it is to understand ourselves in the context of the greater world. For a while in my 20s, though I kept my subscription going, I generally glanced only through the photos of each issue. Then, in my 30s, I started reading an article or two in most issues. Now, in my 40s, I’m the avid fan I was when I was a kid—maybe because of NG’s recent focus on the environment and other issues that matter deeply to me.
I fall behind on occasion and accrue a pile of yellow-spined issues to catch up on during quiet moments. So it’s only this week that I found my way to the February ‘06 issue with its cover story, “Love: The Chemical Reaction.” After a compelling opening about her wedding and honeymoon, the author wrote,
My marriage is like a piece of comfortable clothing; even the arguments have a feel of fuzziness to them, something so familiar it can only be called home. [Read more...]
“I hear you” has gotten to be a tired phrase. And why is it that it seems to come out of the mouth of the person whom we believe, at that very moment, isn’t hearing us at all?
Instead of saying “I hear you” to let someone know you understand, actually say back the essence of their message. The act of reflecting back what you understand, in your own words, will help the other person really feel heard and also double-checks your understanding.
And next time someone says, “I hear you” during a disagreement, smile pleasantly and say, “Great! What did you hear?”
In a long-ago article, Face-to-Face Negotiation Better than Email, I wrote about a Harvard B-school study on negotiation, conflict and email. Professor Kathleen Valley found that about 50% of negotiations conducted by email end in impasse, while only about 19% of face-to-face negotiations do so. She also concluded that we behave differently by email than we do in person.
A recent Christian Science Monitor article, It’s All About Me: Why E-Mails Are So Easily Misunderstood adds to the picture with intriguing information from several studies about email and communication:
A client, Meg, told me that in conflict at work she finds it difficult to “think through the noise” in her head. That phrase really resonates with me because that’s my experience as well. I suspect Meg and I are not alone. Here’s some of the “noise” that goes on in my brain when I’m in a disagreement:
No wonder it’s hard to think clearly in difficult conversations! And yet there are some things you (and I) can to reduce the brain noise a bit. [Read more...]
You just never know how your articles will be put to use. I certainly could never have imagined that one of mine would be used in an asparagus patch!
A while ago, I wrote a little post, Beware the Conflict Replay, in which I cautioned against creating certainty about “what really happened” by replaying disputes over and over in your mind.
Yesterday, I received this note from one of my readers, Phoebe: “Hi Tammy, I was thinking about you as Bob and I were working in the asparagus patch yesterday. I said I remembered that when we first did that, we had a big argument about how to do it. And he said, no we didn’t. Then he said, I am certain that we didn’t, and I replied, I am certain that we did…We were laughing the whole time. That’s all related to the article you wrote a while ago about certainty…we use it a lot to diffuse and or to just have fun!”
It made me smile to read that. I’m certain I enjoy hearing how you’re using some of my ideas and writing in day to day life!
You’ve probably experienced an elevation in your mood when in the presence of someone upbeat, or starting to feel more negative when around someone angry. There’s good science that explains this phenomenon, along with a few other ways that you’re subconsciously influenced by those around you. In Angry/Negative People Can Be Bad for Your Brain, Kathy Sierra explores these ideas in an easy-to-grasp way. There are important implications here for negotiating and reducing conflict, and I highly recommend this article.
I first met ME “Liz” Strauss through her terrific blog, Successsful Blog, a daily read of mine. Her mind impressed me, her forthrightness impressed me, and her friendly and welcoming attitude impressed me. I’m thrilled she agreed to an interview about being a professional woman and navigating the waters of conflict.
Tammy: Liz, for a little context, can you tell us about your professional background and current work?
Liz: I’m an education publisher. I snuck in through the back door when no one was looking. After teaching and working as a wholesale territory rep for the Van Heusen shirt company, I decided to put my education back to work writing freelance for educational publishers, then finally took a job with one. My first job in a publishing house was as an executive editor, eventually I got to work with publishers all over the world. Now, I’m consulting for some of the businesses I used to work with and for and working with some of the individuals who used to work with and for me.
Tammy: One of the things that’s always impressed me about Successful Blog is that you speak your mind and do it in a way that’s inviting and friendly. I think that women sometimes struggle with wanting to speak up but worrying that they’ll be considered too aggressive. How do you strike a balance?
Liz: Well, let’s be clear here. I’ve always been better at doing that in writing than in person. My struggle has never been one of worrying about speaking up, but rather knowing when to let others discover the elephant in the room. I do find the secret lies somewhere within the first post that I wrote on my writing blog last July… [Read more...]
I still have all my beloved Dr. Seuss books from childhood, a whole collection sitting on a shelf I pass by frequently. Somehow, though, I never had a copy of The Sneetches and Other Stories, a surprising gap I have now corrected.
Have you ever read The Zax, a story in that collection? If not, take 30 seconds and watch video this now. If so, take 30 seconds and re-read it. Next time you see colleagues acting like Zaxes during difficult conversations at work, just pass a copy of the story to them. It’ll convey the message in that gentle and fun way that only Dr. Seuss can.
Thanks to my Canadian mediation colleague Stephen Raymond for alerting me to the existence of The Zax.
Have you ever picked up a book and from the moment you began reading, you just knew you were going to appreciate every last second of it? That was my experience with Karen Propp’s and Jean Trounstine’s Why I’m Still Married
Why I’m Still Married is a compilation of essays written by women as stylistically and experientially diverse as Julia Alvarez, Erica Jong, and Marge Piercy. It opens with a Grace Paley poem I found so moving that I’m going to frame a copy and give it to my husband on our next anniversary. As a collection, the book is a rich anthology of, as the authors say in the Introduction, “the real marriages that survive, despite obstacles and struggles.”
The individual women’s stories are funny, intimate, raw and honest. They talk about the difficult confrontations, the frustrations of conflict, the joy of their love, and the sometimes-hard relationship work that brings them closer to the person they have chosen. It’s the kind of book I’ll pick up and read again—and again, since there will always be new lessons or reminders I wasn’t ready to see in the last read.
Doing conflict and being nice are not mutually exclusive. Instead of “either/or,” think “both/and.” It is possible, in other words, to confront disagreements, speak your mind effectively, and still be a reasonable, pleasant person.
One of the most frequently voiced concerns I hear from my women coaching clients and seminar participants is that speaking up will make you seem “not nice.” Now, I know that many women have been taught, from earliest years, that it’s more important to be nice than be heard, understood and assertive. While I have some real quibbles with the notion that women are expected to be “nice girls,” in this post I’m more interested in the confounding belief that you can’t be nice and raise your concerns at the same time.
Of course you can. [Read more...]
A mediation student of mine told me this story some time ago:
She was in bumper to bumper traffic during rush hour in Winooski, VT. Now, as someone who used to live in the Burlington area, it’s hard for me to imagine bumper to bumper traffic lasting longer than one minute, but perhaps an accident had slowed things to a crawl.
There were two lanes heading in my student’s direction. The left lane was completely stopped and had been for several minutes. My student was in the right lane, which became an entrance ramp onto the interstate. The vehicle in front of her was the only thing between my student, all the cars behind her, and the interstate.
That car was stopped, with its left directional blinking. It had an out-of-state plate. All the cars who wanted to get on the interstate were stopped behind her. Nothing moved. Horns started to blare. As seconds passed, more horns joined in. Nothing moved.
My student finally got out of her car. She said she intended to tell the woman to get moving. But something happened on her way there. [Read more...]