Men, Women, Anger and Confrontation

31 March 2006 | Leave a Comment

Here’s a new anger management tool for your toolbox: The news media. And it’s a tool that women and men apparently use differently.

I can’t say I’ve ever conceived of using news media for managing anger. But an Ohio State University researcher did and the results are interesting. As reported in Study Shows How Men and Women Use News Media Differently to Manage Anger, communications professor Silvia Knobloch-Westerwick deliberately provoked anger in male and female research participants, then gave them a choice of real news stories to read. Here’s what happened: [Read more...]

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Choose Sadness, Not Anger, After a Personal Attack

29 March 2006 | Leave a Comment

What would happen if, after an argument in which you felt attacked, you focused on your sadness about the situation instead of your anger?

That’s what I found myself wondering after reading a summary of “Anger and Sadness Frame How We Respond to a Terrorist Attack,” reported in the April edition of Political Psychology. The study’s author surveyed Americans to find out if their feelings about the 9/11 attacks influenced their thoughts. Indeed they did, she concluded:

The results show that anger evoked [Read more...]

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In Difficult Situations, Just Being There May Be Enough

18 March 2006 | Leave a Comment

There’s a story circulating on the web and I have no idea if it’s urban legend or not. I’m dubious that it’s true. But, true or not, I’m drawn to the story because it illustrates an important way to help someone who’s in a difficult situation:

Bestselling author Leo Buscaglia was asked to judge a contest to find the “most caring child.” The winner was a four-year-old boy, who, upon seeing his recently widowed elderly neighbor crying, had gone into the man’s yard and climbed into his lap. When the boy’s mother later asked what he had said to the man, the child replied, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

When we try to help people we care about through difficult situations, we often want to “do”—take some kind of action or say the right thing. Sometimes, it’s more powerful and more helpful just to be there, quietly.

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When Negotiating, Time of Day Matters

14 March 2006 | Leave a Comment

Here’s an interesting tidbit to file away: You probably negotiate better for yourself and make better decisions when you do so at your optimal time of day.

You’ve heard of circadian rhythms, your 24-hour body clock. I, for instance, am an avowed morning person and often start my day at 4 a.m. By 9 p.m. I’m a blithering idiot.

In Effects of Circadian Rhythm on Cooperation in an Experiment Game, Carnegie Mellon researchers [Read more...]

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“Making nice” isn’t real resolution

6 March 2006 1 Comment

healthy relationshipsI don’t recall a great deal about kindergarten, which tells you a bit about my age, I suppose. I recall my nice teacher, Miss Kuechner. And my very best friend, Lisa, who’s still my best friend – we both liked dinosaurs and horses a great deal. The dinosaur thing didn’t last but the horse thing did. I remember making tiny Niñas, Pintas and Santa Marias for Columbus Day and I still have mine, half of a walnut shell filled with pink clay out of which sticks a toothpick mast with a little paper sail. My mother saved it, carefully wrapped in tissue paper. You’d think she was protecting a great work of art.

I also recall Miss Kuechner’s admonition to “make nice” when things got mean in the schoolyard. [Read more...]

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Hearts Hurt When Spouses Spat

3 March 2006 | Leave a Comment

According to the University of Utah News, hearts hurt when spouses spat—literally.

In a new study reported today, Utah researchers worked with150 healthy, older, married couples. The couples were asked to pick a topic that is the source of disagreement in their marriage and discuss it. Their videotaped conversations were later analyzed and coded on scales of hostility and degree of dominance or controlling behavior. Two days after their discussions, each underwent a CT chest scan, which a doctor used to score their degree of coronary artery calcification. Some relevant snippets from their conclusions include: [Read more...]

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Conflict Is Like Badly Cooked Vegetables

2 March 2006 | Leave a Comment

When I decided to become a vegetarian 21 years ago, I phoned my mom to let her know. “But you don’t like vegetables,” she said, the skepticism clear in her voice.

“Mom,” I announced, “I’ve learned to like my vegetables.” And then after a pause, “Most of them.”

As I spoke, I was remembering a stand-off with the cafeteria monitor in third grade. She wanted me to eat the cooked spinach that sat stinking in a little white bowl on my tray. I still remember that spinach vividly, as it resembled something my dog might throw up. I absolutely refused. She insisted, sternly. I remember her as a towering lady with an uncompromising face. I was resolute. Nothing would make me eat that stuff. [Read more...]

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