Luigi’s recipe for assertiveness success

In our home, we joke that we ought to hire Luigi out as an assertiveness coach, and make him earn his keep. Luigi is one of our two dogs, an 8-lb. shih tzu (maybe) we found running along a highway 10 years ago. Eight pounds of dog, 100 pounds of assertiveness. What’s more, when he’s his assertive best, one actually wants to please the little guy.

We even have insider shorthand relating to his assertiveness. We call him Mr. Clear Channel Communications. And when one of us gets up to do something that Luigi clearly wants us to do, we say it’s a dew-claw moment—as in, wrapped around his little dew claw (we know the dew-claw is the equivalent of the thumb, but you get the point).

If any dog trainers are reading this, we’ll probably be banished from dog-training circles everywhere, given what this dog gets away with. Our Newfoundland mix, Hugo, certainly doesn’t get away with anything close and his sad eyes remind us of that daily. But Hugo isn’t assertive. He could learn a thing or two from Mr. Clear Channel, by using Luigi’s Recipe for Assertiveness Success: [Read more]

Beware the Tweaking CC

Some time ago I wrote a post on having difficult conversations by email. In it I cautioned about use of the “tweaking CC and I want to repeat that caution for newer readers of this blog.

The tweaking CC is the copying of an email message to someone the sender believes has power over or influence on the recipient. When in the middle of a difficult conversation or negotiation that’s unfolding by email, it’s tempting (and probably all too common practice) to CC a supervisor or colleague—or worse, a large chunk of the workplace community. We may tell ourselves we’re doing it as an “FYI” or for our own protection. The recipient, however, is likely to interpret it as involving an extra person as a way to strong-arm, rattle, or inform on. The tweaking CC raises defensiveness and can escalate the conflict. A tweaking BCC (blind carbon copy) is no better.

Next time you find yourself having a workplace difficult conversation by email, and you’re tempted to CC a boss or team members, stop for a moment. How critical is it that the third person be involved right then? Will the benefits outweigh the potential for escalation? What are you really trying to accomplish with that CC?

New from Tammy Lenski: Mediator Tech

For those among my readers who are ADR professionals in private practice, I’m excited to let you know of my latest venture: MediatorTech.

MediatorTech grew out calls from other ADR professionals seeking my advice and guidance on leveraging technology to build, promote or manage their practices better. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a technophile and early adopter of technology, and for years mediators have been contacting me for advice on topics like positioning their websites for their niches, finding the right inexpensive software for managing their client base, and identifying excellent 800-number services to give maximum flexibility for as small an investment as possible. I decided it was time to start paying attention to the need out there and put my tech hobby to some broader use.

I hope you’ll take a moment to visit MediatorTech, which just went live this past weekend. I’ll be adding quite a few posts there over the coming weeks as I work to build a solid foundation for visitors and subscribers. And, as always, I welcome your response and feedback. MediatorTech will be a division of Tammy Lenski LLC.

Strategic Conversations for the Workplace

When a contentious or complex problem arises, it’s common to want to allay fears, downplay misinformation, side-step values differences, convince others that all will be well, or bring in a speaker or trainer. Too often, these approaches have mixed success because advocates for one point of view tend to have limited credibility with those who have conflicting concerns; or too much is happening behind closed doors, leading to concerns about trust; or the central issues are not fully addressed or important voices feel left out.

Strategic conversations, in which teams or entire workplace communities come together for joint reflection, real dialogue and effective debate, can be a more effective approach in such situations. The type of collaborative inquiry that is at the heart of a strategic conversation helps…

• Focus energy on long-term objectives.
• Capitalize on the power of dialogue to build shared understanding and experience.
• Foster relationships and commitments that are critical to long-term survival and success.
• Show initiative and real interest on the part of organizational leadership.
• Enhance legitimacy and long-term effect of decisions.

Questions about strategic conversations in the workplace? Let me know!

Snake and Hamster Provide Lesson for Negotiators

If you’re a hamster, it would be darn helpful to know the snake you’re suddenly sharing a cage with cares more about friendship than food right then. You’d want to figure out how to use that to your advantage (and the snake’s), right? I’ve said in the past that knowing and addressing the other person’s key interests is just plain good negotiating strategy. Now a hamster and snake are driving that point home in a delightful way.

It’s hard to imagine any potential for relationship between a rodent-eating snake and a hamster, but here’s one of those stories that reminds us the universe is full of surprises: Snake Befriends Snack Hamster.

A powerful interest (companionship, apparently, in this instance) can make the expected interest (a fully belly) less important. When you’re negotiating, remember: Don’t underestimate the power of an important interest voiced by the other side.

New to this blog and not sure what an interest is? Take a look at my post, Let’s Talk: Resolve Disputes by Focusing on Interests.

Let’s Talk: Resolve Disputes by Focusing on Interests

The phrase “win-win” is starting to get a bit tired from overuse, but the concept behind it isn’t. Lots of people say they want to find a win-win solution to a dispute, but relatively few know one of the key principles to getting there: Interests.

If you’re not familiar with how to use interests to resolve disputes effectively, then take a moment and watch Let’s Talk, a new 2-minute video created by HyperActive Productions for the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency. It’s available as a free .wmv file and gives you a quick overview of the difference between positional bargaining and interest-based bargaining. I learned about the video from Bill Warter’s Campus-ADR site—thanks, Bill!

If the video sparks your interest (pun intended!) and you want to learn more about how to use interests to resolve work or home disputes, drop me a line.

Conflict Tip: Get into Their Movie

Have you seen the new King Kong? Did you sit there and think, This is ridiculous! Why am I even watching this? Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a gorilla that size.

I doubt it.

If you did, perhaps the person next to you gave you extra popcorn to keep your outraged sighs and snorts to a minimum. Instead, you probably suspended your disbelief. You can and should do this during conflict, too.

Rebecca Shafir, a speech/language pathologist and author of The Zen of Listening, coined the phrase “get into their movie.” Says Shafir, “In real life, speakers often invite us to get into their movies with comments like, ‘Do you see it my way?’ or ‘Put yourself in my place.’ If we approach a listening opportunity with the same self-abandonment as we do at the movies, think of how much more we stand to gain from those encounters.”

Next time you’re in a disagreement with someone, try to suspend your disbelief for a few minutes. You don’t have to agree with that other perspective, but getting into their movie will help you unlock whatever the dispute is about. You’ll gain some new insight – I guarantee it.

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