Mind like water for everyday conflict resolution

“Imagine throwing a pebble into a still pond. How does the water respond? The answer is, totally appropriately to the force and mass of the input; then it returns to calm. It doesn’t overreact or underreact…Anything that causes you to overreact or underreact can control you, and often does.”
– David Allen, Getting Things Done

Mizu no kokoro

Mizu no kokoro is “mind like water” in Japanese and a phrase found frequently in Zen literature. It refers to a state of mind that mirrors water’s flowing, reflective, and adaptive capacities.

As water flows, so too does a centered mind allow thoughts to flow without the restrictions or clogs of “stuck thoughts.” As calm water reflects, so too does a centered mind see clearly. [Read more]

Interpersonal conflict zen and kindness to yourself

Interpersonal conflict resolution can be tricky. Changing your own behaviors in reaction to conflict is no less so.

Changing your interpersonal conflict behavior is a form of learning…you’re finding and learning new habits to replace ones that aren’t as effective for you.

In one of my favorite books, The Art of Possibility, author and world renowned philharmonic conductor Ben Zander tells this story about his own learning:

“…I am reminded of a dispiriting moment in a cello lesson with my teacher, Mr. Herbert Withers. He was eighty-three years old, and I was eleven. I had to tried to play a passage, but I couldn’t make it work. I tried again, and it didn’t work, and a third time, and I was no more successful. I remember making a frustrated grimace and putting down my bow. The elderly Mr. Withers leaned over me and whispered, What? You’ve been practicing it for three minutes, and you still can’t play it?“

[Read more]

Zen and the art of dealing with insults

This traditional Zen story is called The Gift of Insults.

There was once an old man known for being able to defeat any challenger. His reputation extended throughout the land and many gathered to study under him.

One day a young warrior arrived at the old man’s village. He was determined to be the first to defeat the great master, since he had both strength and the ability to notice and exploit an opponent’s weakness.

The old master gladly accepted the young warrior’s challenge. As the two faced one another, the young warrior began to hurl insults at the old master. [Read more]

Zencards for a new perspective

The universe was trying to get my attention. First, I saw Daniel Levin’s Zen Cards in my acupuncturist’s office, spread out on the waiting room table. Then a friend emailed me about them, the very next day. And two days later, I saw them in a gift shop. Finally clueing in, I bought them.

I had a class to teach on Interpersonal Conflict a few days later, so I brought the cards with me and used them in a warm-up exercise I came up with on the drive to campus. They were a big hit with my grad students. Said one, “Such a simple idea, but with a rather profound invitation to reflect deeply.” [Read more]