Sometimes Caring and Criticism Are Found in the Same Words

Deborah Tannen, well-known author of “You Just Don’t Understand,” has a new book on the bestseller list: “You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation.”

This new work continues Tannen’s exploration of the ways that, for women, “conversation is the glue that holds relationships together.” In an interview reported in this week’s New York Times, Tannen said,

My job is to analyze conversations and discover why communications fail. The biggest complaint I hear from daughters is: “My mother’s always criticizing me.” And the mother counters, “I can’t open my mouth; my daughter takes everything as criticism.”

But sometimes caring and criticism are found in the same words. When mothers talk about their daughters’ appearance, they are often doing it because they feel obligated to tell their daughter something that no one else will.

The mother feels she’s caring. The daughter feels criticized. They are both right.

What I try to do is point out each side to each other. So, the mother needs to acknowledge the criticism part, and the daughter needs to acknowledge the caring part. It’s tough because each sees only one.

The book sounds like another compelling, accessible read from Tannen. I see a trip to my local bookstore is in order!