Comments on: How to handle difficult people http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/ conflict resolution tips for work and life Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:57:18 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Erwin L. Villaflor http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-1145 Erwin L. Villaflor Mon, 04 Aug 2008 09:16:33 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-1145 Nice advice, I highly reccomend this to all my friends. Thanks, Erwin Nice advice, I highly reccomend this to all my friends.

Thanks,

Erwin

]]> By: Tammy Lenski http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-200 Tammy Lenski Fri, 30 May 2008 12:59:43 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-200 Gretchen, it's good to meet you and welcome to Conflict Zen. I do appreciate you taking the time to comment. I so agree with your sentiments and your quote, "Everyone does his best all the time," reminds me of one I consider and offer up very frequently, "We're all flawed humans trying to live our lives with a little grace." I think those two quotes are two sides of the same coin! I hope you'll visit again. Gretchen, it’s good to meet you and welcome to Conflict Zen. I do appreciate you taking the time to comment.

I so agree with your sentiments and your quote, “Everyone does his best all the time,” reminds me of one I consider and offer up very frequently, “We’re all flawed humans trying to live our lives with a little grace.” I think those two quotes are two sides of the same coin!

I hope you’ll visit again.

]]> By: Gretchen Hirsch http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-191 Gretchen Hirsch Thu, 29 May 2008 11:26:17 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-191 I have just discovered this lovely blog and am intrigued by this subject, since I'm the author of a book about difficult conversations. Long ago I read a sentence that changed my life: "Everyone does his best all the time." Of course, today we'd add "or her," but the book was published when subject-verb agreement was more cut and dried. The important thing this sentence taught me was that one's best varies from day to day and sometimes from minute to minute. When someone is under stress, his or her best objectively may not be very good, but it's all the person is capable of at the time--and understanding and compassion are called for. When I'm disappointed in a person's performance, recalling this sentence helps me remember that performance can't be separated from the person, and if the performance is to improve, it's the person who needs attention. Perhaps some coaching is required. Or maybe just some space in which the person feels safe enough to tell me what's going on in his or her life. The same is true in personal relations. If I'm hurt, I have to remember that the person is doing the best of which he or she is capable at that moment. If I can quiet myself and not strike back, some meaningful conversation--and resolution--probably is possible. I have just discovered this lovely blog and am intrigued by this subject, since I’m the author of a book about difficult conversations.

Long ago I read a sentence that changed my life: “Everyone does his best all the time.” Of course, today we’d add “or her,” but the book was published when subject-verb agreement was more cut and dried.

The important thing this sentence taught me was that one’s best varies from day to day and sometimes from minute to minute. When someone is under stress, his or her best objectively may not be very good, but it’s all the person is capable of at the time–and understanding and compassion are called for.

When I’m disappointed in a person’s performance, recalling this sentence helps me remember that performance can’t be separated from the person, and if the performance is to improve, it’s the person who needs attention. Perhaps some coaching is required. Or maybe just some space in which the person feels safe enough to tell me what’s going on in his or her life.

The same is true in personal relations. If I’m hurt, I have to remember that the person is doing the best of which he or she is capable at that moment. If I can quiet myself and not strike back, some meaningful conversation–and resolution–probably is possible.

]]> By: Tammy Lenski http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-13 Tammy Lenski Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:50:20 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-13 Newt - Well said. I'm struck that when we tell ourselves stories like "S/he is incompetent," we totalize the other person in a way that feels ego-boosting for us but does little that's truly helpful in resolving the problem we share with that person. It's very different, as you've pointed out, to tell ourselves, "S/he didn't handle this particularly well." Thanks for expanding on my post in such a creative way. Newt – Well said. I’m struck that when we tell ourselves stories like “S/he is incompetent,” we totalize the other person in a way that feels ego-boosting for us but does little that’s truly helpful in resolving the problem we share with that person. It’s very different, as you’ve pointed out, to tell ourselves, “S/he didn’t handle this particularly well.”

Thanks for expanding on my post in such a creative way.

]]> By: Newt Bailey http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-9 Newt Bailey Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:45:59 +0000 http://conflictzen.com/how-to-handle-difficult-people/#comment-9 Makes me wonder at what other words could replace "difficult" in this tool, with similarly powerful effect. For example: "There are no incompetent people." Of course, there may be people who do not currently carry out their work in a way that matches your expectations or requirements. There are people who are perhaps not currently in a position that allows them to display their competency. Looked at this way, it's easier to see what needs to change, it's an opening of possibilities. The statement "He/she is incompetent," on the other hand, feels to me like a closing down of possibilities. Makes me wonder at what other words could replace “difficult” in this tool, with similarly powerful effect.

For example: “There are no incompetent people.” Of course, there may be people who do not currently carry out their work in a way that matches your expectations or requirements. There are people who are perhaps not currently in a position that allows them to display their competency. Looked at this way, it’s easier to see what needs to change, it’s an opening of possibilities. The statement “He/she is incompetent,” on the other hand, feels to me like a closing down of possibilities.

]]>