The devil about (a) is that this presents the danger of what’s called a “self-reinforcing loop” in systems theory — when we conclude something about someone, we tend to subconsciously reinforce that conclusion by noticing the information that supports it and ignoring the information that doesn’t. It’s one of the reasons mediators and conflict coaches can be so helpful — we come in with fresh eyes and ears.

The devil about (b) is the kind of mindlessness Langer writes about — I’d even call it “relational mindlessness” in our world of conflict engagement and resolution. We get lazy in our uni-dimensional viewing of someone and don’t give them the benefit of being the highly complex being we all are. Another reason mediators and conflict coaches can be helpful — we get to be the ones who say, hey, that person’s not just a “door,” you know.

Hope that helps! Great to hear from you,

Tammy

I will admit — I struggle with this. Maybe you can shed some light for me?

How does one avoid “labeling” and not go down the road of a sort of …. pollyanna-ish papering over of very real patterns of unacceptable or even abusive behavior?

The unpredictable father does real damage to his children. It doesn’t mean he’s Satan incarnate, but by that same token, it doesn’t mean that whatever positive attributes he may possess are adequate compensation for his pattern of unpredictability.

I recently said the following to someone dear to me in an email who is ending a significant relationship in his life and trying to paint his ex in what looks to me like an overly positive light that treads into the territory of denying real harm that has been done…and thus negating any call for accountability, let alone change, on that person’s part. This is, IMO, not a good thing:
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I tend to be much more guarded than you are when there is a history of meanness, manipulation, and/or unpredictable moods and inconsistent behavior on someone’s part — even if I love them dearly. After what I went through at my ex-husband’s hands, it just… scares me, mostly because I know ***it will not change if the person is not actively working with a therapist on making that change happen.***

Based on a number of things you and others close to you have told me as well as things I have observed myself, there is a history of meanness, manipulativeness, unpredictable moods, and inconsistent behavior on this person’s part, and that concerns me for you.

Kindness, respect for autonomy, and consistency are things I highly prize, in part because they are things I work hard to bring to the table in my relationships. Take those things away and I begin to lose any desire to associate with that person, no matter how close we’ve been in the past.
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What am I missing?

Thanks!,

Pat

Susie, I really like your reminder about how uncomfortable and unhappy we are when placed in a box we don’t think we belong in. And thanks for your support for undermining that sacred cow, “dealing with difficult people.”

We all know how it feels when someone has put US into a box; It feels unfair, uncomfortable and unenjoyable it is to be there and once we feel that way- the options of finding a solution have greatly diminished.

Coincidentally, just yesterday, I pulled Ms. Langer’s book from my shelf and read the same passage. It helped me address a lawyer’s confusion about mediated solutions that do not align with legal norms. This brings to mind, too, the Parable of the Orange (used to explain interest-based negotiation) in which the mother is presented with an orange that her children are fighting over. The mother acts swiftly, and– WHACK– slices the orange down the center. In her mind, this was a simple problem capable of one solution. What else can you do with a round, orange piece of fruit? Hmmm . . . Had she been the least bit curious or the least bit imaginitive, perhaps she may have considered at least one other solution to her children’s dilemma. Perhaps that orange could have been peeled . . .