How to debug a disagreement and focus on what matters
May 28, 2008 · Print This Article
I was putting my kayak on the car the other day and mosquitoes, now in full season here in northern New England, kept distracting me from my task.
Tighten one strap, slap at the mosquitoes. Start attaching the other strap, slap, slap. They’re large enough here to have landing lights, so ignoring them is out of the question.
I finally stopped what I was doing, walked into the garage, applied bug repellent, then returned to my task. The 30 seconds it took to apply the bug repellent allowed me to focus my attention on the task at hand, and gave me some relief from the infuriating whine in my ears.
Happily paddling across a lake 30 minutes later, I mused about those mosquitoes. It seems to me that distractions are to disagreements as mosquitoes are to the tasks they’re interrupting. Distractions like multi-tasking, inconsequential conversation tangents, and still-fresh anger can all get in the way of focusing on what really matters in difficult conversations.
It’s worth it to debug your disagreements by neutralizing the distractions so you can focus on what matters. What could use a bit debugging in your own conversations?
Odds and Ends
Both my workshops for the Women’s Leadership Summit have sold out! If you’re thinking about attending, there are a number of other excellent workshops worth your time. And, of course, Robin Roberts and the other keynoters should be inspirational and riveting. Hope to see you there!
The mosquitoes analogy is like so many things in our lives. Kind of like ol’ “Important but not urgent” approach to priorities. Or “first things first.” Stop. Take the time out to cut out the distraction. Get back on course. (Hopefully you used non-deet repellent! :-)) Great story!
Christine Kanes last blog post..Zen and the Art of Saying No
As I was reading your story this morning I imagined the buzzing, and thought of distractions like all the “shoulds” and “musts” that can irritate a situation when I’m in disagreement or conflict. They, like those New Hampshire mozzies, add stress and make me anxious and judgmental. Writing in my journal about the reactivity I’ve experienced is the soothing balm that stops the itch. Having a reactivity-repellant on hand in the moment would help a lot.
I received your gift of a crane yesterday. Thank you for plotting its flight plan all the way north into Canada!
I love Conflict Zen. Keep up the good work Tammy!
Hey there, Christine. I appreciate your connecting my story and a couple of Covey’s habits — those connections make sense and add to my thinking. And yes, it was non-Deet repellent.
Louise, glad to hear the crane made it north safely. I like your comment about finding a soothing balm to reactivity…that’s a terrific image addition for my story.
Thanks to both of you for stopping by.
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