A classic psychology experiment suggests you do.

University of Minnesota researchers had a hunch that people sense how others view them and start exhibiting the expected behaviors, They set up this experiment, described in PsyBlog’s How Other People’s Unspoken Expectations Control Us:

To test this in the context of interpersonal attraction they had male students hold conversations with female students they’d just met through microphones and headsets. One of the quickest ways that people who’ve just met stereotype each other is by appearance. People automatically assume others who are more attractive are also more sociable, humorous, intelligent and so on.

So to manipulate this, just before the conversation, along with biographical information about the person they were going to meet, the men were given a photograph. Half were shown a photograph of a woman who had been rated for attractiveness as an 8 out of 10 and half were given a photo of a woman rated as a 2 out of 10.

Then the men talked to the women but without seeing them so they didn’t know they weren’t actually talking to the woman in the picture. Half expected to be talking to the attractive woman, half to the unattractive woman. The question is, would the women pick up on this fact and unconsciously fit into the stereotype they had been randomly assigned. By doing it this way the experimenters could rule out the influence of individual personalities and focus on the effect of expectations.

When independent observers listened to the tapes of the conversation they found that when women were talking to men who thought they were very attractive, the women exhibited more of the behaviours stereotypically associated with attractive people: they talked more animatedly and seemed to be enjoying the chat more. What was happening was that the women conformed to the stereotype the men projected on them.

My experiences as a mediator and conflict coach mesh with the researchers’ experiences. People often act differently from one conflict situation to another, perhaps in part because their conflict partners have different expectations from one another. Clients tell me they sometimes find it a challenge to act in the way they want with certain people they sense have harsh, rigid judgments about them.

And while the full picture behind these challenges is more complex than the study addressed, it still offers some insight into the nuances of human behavior and the influences we have that exist below our awareness. Instead of shrugging shoulders and throwing all hope of conflict behavior change to the wind, consider this:

• This research suggests we have some influence over someone else’s behavior. Not in a “let me tell you how you should be acting” way, but through the way we think and anticipate their behavior. Anyone who’s worked with me will find this idea familiar — no skill teaching in the world will work with conflict if we don’t also learn useful frames of mind to adopt alongside the skills. What could happen if you allowed yourself the courage to expect better behavior from someone you’re inclined to condemn?
• This research also reminds us of the importance of addressing our own and others’ reflexive loops, a pattern of subconsciously selecting data that supports our beliefs about someone and excluding data that doesn’t. This is exactly the work my husband and I are doing in our Year 20 Reboot.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

A few months ago, a conflict coaching client raised this question. Elaine (not her real name) was working to become less of a conflict junkie, less immediately and problematically reactive when in disagreements with her husband. She felt she’d made real strides: Much less of her biting New York sarcasm to stew the conflict pot, better ability to state clearly about what she needed as part of a solution instead of getting angry her husband couldn’t just guess what she needed, better at taking a break when she felt herself approaching her boiling point, and regularly choosing better timing for when she raised difficult matters for discussion and negotiation.

She called me fewer than 10 minutes after a discussion with her husband in which he’d said, “You still suck at conflict. Are you making any effort at all to do this better?” How could he not notice? she demanded. I’m like a different person in those conversations – is he completely blind!?!

Well, yes, he is. Blindered.

I told Elaine there are two common reasons he wasn’t noticing when she demonstrated substantial improvement in the way she engaged conflict in his presence:

Reason 1: He’s caught in a reflexive loop.

Marriages are a system – a family system. In systems thinking, reflexive loops are caused when we select partial data from our observations, draw conclusions as a result of the selected data, and use those conclusions to generate a belief about the person or situation. Our beliefs then affect what data we select next time, and the loop continues. (Click here to see a reflexive loop drawing by Martie Holmes).

In Elaine’s situation, her husband’s reflexive loop probably looks something like this:

1. From all their years together, the husband has a belief that Elaine is biting, sarcastic and aggressive during even minor disagreements.
2. Today, when he and Elaine disagree, he subconciously notices primarily the moments when she says something that fits his belief. He doesn’t notice all the times she doesn’t — just the slip-ups while she’s still polishing her new habit.
3. When he notices her slip-ups, those register in his mind as confirmation she’s still doing the things he finds so unacceptable.
4. So he concludes she’s still biting, sarcastic and aggressive during conflict.
5. Then he returns to step 2 and repeats, each time ingraining his mental model of her yet more deeply.

His beliefs about her blinder him to the fuller picture of her response to conflict.

Reason 2: It’s harder to see what someone doesn’t do than what they do.

In part due to reflexive loops and the ingrained mental models they produce, her husband is failing to notice what she isn’t doing – he can only notice what she is doing (and even then, is only allowing himself to see those things that confirm his belief).

He doesn’t notice when she bites her tongue instead of lashing out because it’s hard to hear what wasn’t said. He doesn’t notice when she skips a sarcastic remark because he can’t hear what she doesn’t say.

What’s Elaine to do?

Elaine needs to challenge her husband’s reflexive loop with alternate data. And she needs to find a way for him to notice what she isn’t doing during conflict conversations. And she needs him to acknowledge her successes when he’s finally able to see them. I gave her several strategies I’ve developed for accomplishing those three things and am betting they’ll have the impact needed.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Four-corner breathing

This exercise comes from psychologist and attention expert Lucy Jo Palladino, author of Find Your Focus Zone: An Effective New Plan to Defeat Distraction and Overload (amazon affiliate link).

1. Find an object nearby that has four corners – a box, your monitor, window, etc. In the unlikely event you don’t have something nearby, visualize a window frame in your mind.
2. Focus on the upper left-hand corner and inhale for a count of four.
3. Shift your gaze to the upper right-hand corner and hold your breath for a count of four.
4. Move your gaze to the lower right-hand corner and exhale for a count of four.
5. Finally, shift your attention to the lower left-hand corner. Tell yourself to relax, then smile.
6. Repeat 3 to 5 times to calm and focus yourself.

More exercises to help you keep your balance in conflict

For other focus, balancing and stress-reducing meditations and visualizations, try one of these before, during, or after difficult conversations:

• A simple meditation for tense and stressful moments
• Mind like water for everyday conflict resolution
• Get your balance back in the zen room
• A visualization for letting go of things you can’t change

Hat tip to Whole Living’s How to Get Focused for the four-corner breathing exercise.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

So notes change expert M.J. Ryan in her timely new book, AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn’t Ask For (amazon affiliate link). When the review copy Ryan sent arrived in the mail, my first reaction was that a book couldn’t be more apropos for the times than this one. It’s written not for those who manage change (they don’t really need yet another book on the topic), but those who are the recipients of major changes – folks who’ve lost jobs, had their work restructured substantially, and are dealing with major financial losses.

With bite-sized chapters that are easily digestible, it’s tempting to just read Ryan’s book, set it down and say to yourself, Oh that was very good. But that would be missing its real power. The right way to consume this book is to read with some writing material next to you. Read a chapter, set the book down, and reflect on what Ryan’s just offered you. And she offers a lot: Ways to think about change that get you out of paralysis, tips for moving past the pain of change that’s smacked you upside the head, and ideas for actions you can take to move yourself forward. It’s not Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm – it’s optimism coupled with habit-changing action.

So what are the consequences of the kind of finger-pointing Ryan described above?

In The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes – and Why, Amanda Ripley points out that people who tend to survive catastrophes such as fire, flood, bombings, kidnappings, etc., accept what’s happening more quickly and therefore take action faster than others. Blameis one of those human impulses that creates interference with acceptance. You can afford the time or mental energy it takes to lay blame, much less to fight with others who want to point the finger at you. You’ve got more important tasks to attend to. When a tidal wave is about to swamp your boat, it’s not the best idea to fight over who’s responsible for the fact that you’re sitting in a dinghy rather than a battleship. You just need to pull together and row like mad! [emphasis added]

I’ve discussed this very idea before: Survivors abandon rigid and ineffective paradigms that limit their thinking. Ryan would call this “killing your little darlings,” those treasured beliefs that served you well but don’t work for you anymore. If you’ve ever worked with me one-on-one or in workshops, you know this is very much the approach I use for helping people learn new conflict resolution habits. So it’s not really a surprise I’d find Ryan and her book kindred spirits.

Over the years I’ve given out numerous copies of another book on navigating life’s big changes, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Now I’ll be giving out AdaptAbility, too.

If you know someone who’s navigating challenging change waters in their workplace, someone who’s lost their job, or someone who’s life dealt them quite a curveball recently, I highly recommend Ryan’s book as your gift to them. Don’t even wait for the holidays.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Woman 1 to Woman 2: You wear red a lot, you know that?

Woman 2: No, I don’t.

Woman 1: Sure you do!

Woman 2: No. I. Don’t. I only have two red suits and I only wear them every few weeks.

Woman 1: Well, I must notice you wearing them on those days, I guess.

I loved this conversation because I hear versions of it all the time – usually a tad more tense, though – in workplace mediations.

Woman 1 made a classic perceptual mistake: She confused her experience of a person with the totality of that person (or in this case, that person’s clothing choices). She then concluded her experience must be the complete reality.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

– Shaker hymn, Simple Gifts

I was delighted to find Judy Ringer’s new CD, Simple Gifts: Making the Most of Life’s Ki Moments waiting for me when I got back from client travel, an unexpected gift from Judy. And when I popped it in my car’s CD player on the way to work the next morning, my delight increased. Judy’s sweet voice started my day right with her rendition of Simple Gifts, one of my favorite songs. I’ve been humming it as I’ve gardened all weekend.

Simple Gifts, the CD, is a mixture of Judy’s stories, singing and wisdom for re-centering and finding joy in life. It’s the kind of CD you want to listen to again and again, an uplifting reminder of what’s good and right in our lives and a gentle lesson in keeping balance even in difficult moments.

If you’re a fan of Conflict Zen, I think you’ll appreciate and enjoy Simple Gifts.

Thank you, Judy, for the lovely gift.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

That’s when I discovered visualizations and their power to change my reactions. Since several of you who took my poll mentioned the desire to learn letting go, I’m going to share with you a powerful visualization for letting go of something your brain wants to keep chewing on, even when it’s past the time you can do anything about it.

Use it for letting go of things you can’t change. For letting go of things you can change but aren’t things you’ll really care about when you’re 100 and looking back on your life. For letting go of the daily little hassles that you don’t want crowding out your joy. For letting go of the things that annoy you in your relationship with your partner or spouse, those things that create whining and debris but you know down deep don’t really matter.

I created this visualization for my own need to let go of things my brain wouldn’t shut up about. If you’re scared of bridges, this one may not work for you. This visualization works best if you can find a quiet spot for a couple of minutes, someplace you won’t be interrupted or disturbed and is a spot in which you can close your eyes.

Ready?

Picture this in your mind’s eye: It’s a sunny, beautiful day, just the perfect temperature. You’re walking on a gravel path with the warmth of the sun on your face, a light breeze moving across your cheek. You hear the birds chirping. You smell the fragrance of spring flowers. All your senses are alive.

You reach a low footbridge extending over a small river. You walk up on the bridge, which curves upward to an apex over the moving water. Picture the sound your footsteps make on the wooden bridge, the feel of your body moving up a slight hill to the point where the bridge is the highest, about 10 feet above the water. You stand near the waist-high railing at the apex and gaze downstream, watching the water move and curl and recede into the distance. Hear the birds chirping and feel the breeze again.

Cup your hands as though you’re about to receive a gift in them. But today you’re not receiving, you’re giving. In your cupped hands is the memory, the trouble, the problem, the thing you want to let go of. Look down and see it there. You say good-bye to it, not with venom or sadness, just with clarity. Good-bye.

You toss the thing from your cupped hands into the water below. It lands with a slight splash and begins to move away from you in the current. You watch it. It bumps for a moment against a submerged rock, then continues downstream. You never take your eyes off of it. You watch it until it reaches the point where the river water also disappears from your sight. Good-bye for good, you say.

You raise up your arms and stretch slowly, luxuriatingly, feeling what it’s like to have a weight off your shoulders. Then you turn, not looking again at the water, and continue off the far side of bridge, into your future.

For a particularly bothersome problem you want to let go, you may have to do this visualization a few times (though I recommend not in a row).

Have a great visualization for letting things go? Please share it in the comments. By the way, I’m going to record the above visualization and make it available here as soon as I have the chance.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

More than anything it takes the motivation to learn and the commitment to practice that learning until it’s a new habit of mind.

I have the good fortune of hearing Clayton Christensen speak this weekend at Southern New Hampshire University’s Commencement. In anticipation, I’ve been re-reading sections of his most recent book, Disrupting Class: How Disruptive Innovation Will Change the Way the World Learns. This struck a particular cord:

Motivation is the catalyzing ingredient for every successful innovation. The same is true of learning. We all know that becoming a great athlete or a great painter requires an extraordinary amount of consistent work. The hours of time required to train the brain to fire the synapses in the correct ways and thus hone the necessary muscle memory and thinking required is no different from that needed to learn to read and process information or think through math and science problems. Unless students (and teachers, for that matter) are motivated, they will reject the rigor of any learning tasks and abandon it before achieving success. – Clayton Christensen

When I consider what distinguishes clients who succeed in changing conflict behaviors from those who don’t, motivation and commitment repeatedly rise to the top of the list.

I’ll be speaking more about conflict habits of the mind, learning, muscle memory and conflict behaviors tomorrow in my keynote address for the Northern New England Community Action Conference.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

Mediators learn how to bring peace into the room with a non-anxious presence by dealing with our own “conflict stuff,” that stuff that has no business rearing its head during other people’s difficult conversations. And we learn how to find and tap into that inner calm because we see its transformative power.

You can learn it, too.

How a non-anxious presence helps you resolve conflict better

A non-anxious presence helps mediators in the following ways, and it’ll help you do the same:

• Stay clear-headed when the conversation enters difficult stages. Anxiety sidetracks you and brings you completely inside your own head. To resolve conflict well, you need to be able to listen for the opportunities presented during the conversation and if you’re inwardly focus, you’ll miss too many of them.
• Access your good skills when you need them most. I think most people already have many of the skills needed to navigate conflict well. So you probably don’t need more ore better conflict resolution skills, you need to prevent your own anxieties from disabling your access to them.
• Preserve a sense of reasonable hope that will help you navigate the conflict more successfully. This isn’t about being Pollyannaish, but about orienting yourself toward possibility instead of doom.
• Stay centered. When you can keep your balance during a conversation you avoid some of the destructive habits (extreme diagnosis, harsh judgment of self or other, run-away anger, etc.) that make conversations more difficult.

3 strategies for cultivating a non-anxious presence

Cultivating a non-anxious presence is learnable. I’ve taught hundreds of mediators and people like you how. It takes a dose of commitment, a few tried-and-true habits of mind, and practice. Here are my three favorites habits for growing your own non-anxious presence:

1. Be here now. This is about taking it one step at a time instead of running ahead and filling your mind with expectations that it has no place creating yet. Whenever you find yourself ahead of the conversation, pause, breathe, and bring yourself back to the present. Don’t berate yourself, just bring yourself back.
2. Make peace with the groan zone. The groan zone is the place where the conversation is most difficult and may feel overwhelming or hopeless. Too many people walk away at this point. But use the mediator’s secret here – sticking it out through the groan zone is often the way to crack a difficult conversation’s tough nut. Whenever you notice yourself experiencing a “get me outta here!” moment, pause and remind yourself this is where the greatest opportunities lie.
3. Stop catastrophizing. I’ve been coaching people in difficult conversations for a very long time, and it’s the rare conversation that goes as badly as the scenarios you make up in your mind beforehand. Don’t feed your fear by allowing it to run away with you. When you notice yourself catastrophizing (a particularly insidious form of expectation-building), neutralize your runaway thoughts with these two questions.

What additional tips can you offer for cultivating a non-anxious presence during difficult conversations?

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

And while there’s much more to the success of a difficult conversation than the temperature of your hands and body, it’s intriguing to consider again the connection between our physical and emotional selves.

In Warm Your Hands, Warm Your Outlook? National Geographic reports,

In a new experiment, people who held steaming cups of coffee for a few seconds judged another person as more generous, caring, and happy than people who held a cup of iced coffee did.
 
In a second experiment, people who briefly handled a therapeutic hot pad instead of an ice pack were more likely to later select a gift for a friend rather than themselves.
 
The findings indicate that physical warmth unconsciously stimulates friendly behavior toward other people, according to marketing professor Lawrence Williams of the University of Colorado at Boulder.

The study’s author recommends, “You may want to err on the side of introducing [physical] warmth to situations … to create sensations of interpersonal warmth more than cold.”

And mediators who read this blog, take note: Perhaps your clients would be better served by hot tea than that can of Coke!

You can read about the original research in Science magazine’s Experiencing Physical Warms Promotes Interpersonal Warmth.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.